Heart pounds in my ears. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Running back and forth. As I ran I slip in a puddle of mud. Mud covers my leg. I wipe it off. All around me I hear the shouts of my friends. Everyone screaming at the one with the frisbee. The first game I actually got to play, but by the second game, the 4 giants have taken over, and my humble 5'4''ness can't possibly catch the high throws and deep shots. But I can run... I can run. and run. and run. I can block, and I can stall, and I and run. As I pound down the field I'm suddenly thrown into a day in my past. Fourth grade. Standing inside a soccer goal. 1. 2. 3. and we're off. The two of us. Him and I. The fastest boy at school, and I. Down we race to the other end. Our fingertips barely touching the cold metal of the goal. Then back again. Me only seconds behind. He wins. I crash defeated. The rain pelts at my face. Ok, so it was fourth grade so it wasn't that epic, but today was. Today. Him and I. The fastest guy I know. The frisbee is thrown. 1. 2. 3. And we're off.........

Waking up at 10:30 on a sunday morning completely throws you off. I woke up, very groggy indeed, not as tired as some, but all the same. I check the clock. No way! I must be really tired. Then reality sets in. Turns out Dad wanted mom and I to sleep in. But it was weird. Not going to church. I read my bible, got a banana, slipped into some sweats and an old t-shirt and ran to Fred Meyer.

The day passed slowly. Got more math and science done. Then by 4 I was ready to play some frisbee. Got to Grants Pass, after following 4VXL-460 who thought it would be cool to go as fast as he can and tailgate everyone. :P It was cold. Frisbee was great though. Played a lot the first round, then watched as the frisbee flew back and forth across the field, far above my head. I blocked as many people as I could. For the first time in quite some time my competitiveness showed. When we threw off the frisbee, I started running down the field next to my own teammate. He picked up the pace and I found myself racing (kind of) with him. Ugh! Stupid me! After the game I retreated into the company Nat, Alexa, and Mrs. Emmons. We huddled in their car and talked about what we wanted out wedding to look like. I heard some lovely new ideas, and confirmed others. The kruses invited me over to watch a movie and I jumped on it.

"Round and round till the break of day shadows fall, fiddles play" "Dance with me darling. We haven't danced since I don't know when" "Dance, dance, like it's the last last night of your life."

Well, we didn't watch any movies, but Abigail and I made some pretty silly videos. :) Then Dev and I danced. Well, waltzed. He's going to my brother's twin. :) Cause they are. Kind of. :) We were practicing for the ball. I love dancing. I would rather go without food if it meant I could dance more. Waltz, swing, tango, etc. :) Reeeeally looking forward to the dance. :)

One last thing before I go. I believe that Halloween was created to give freaks an excuse to do what they normally do, and it was created to terrorize people like me. Driving through down town Medford in the dark, my heart was a wreck: Pounding at red light, and gripping the wheel tightly the rest of the time. While stopped at a stop light I imagined I saw a group of guys moving towards my car. I indiscreetly dialed 9-1 and paused over the 1. "I have a sharp pencil in the glove compartment." And other such insanities. :P I just really don't like Halloween.



I'm continuing to get everything squared away for the trip. I. can't. wait! Still scared, but God will take care of it. I mean it's not like I'm going to go to the wrong college, or I'm going to marry the wrong guy. I'm going to go to the perfect college and marry the perfect guy. For me. Because it's God's plan for my life. And all that He does is perfect.

Once again, Lemonade actually sounds really good right now. Water will just have to suffice....... oOo! Analogy? I think so. :)

P.S. Just so none of you get any ideas, my mom was the one who sent me that email. :) :)

Trying to blog but my brain is fuzzy. A cup of hot coco should do the trick. Beeee baaaack soooon.

Long, languid day...

Take off the coat. Go to the mirror. Take the clips out of your hair and watch as wisps begin to come out. Remove the pins and let your hair fall down around your face and over your shoulders. Your head breathes again as you comb the curly tangled mess till it regains some of its order. What is it about undoing your hair that is so relaxing. After an evening of skating, this menial task was more relieving than I had imagined.

Errands are rather bothersome things when you're by yourself. Lemons, rice, and rice cakes are well and all, but the procuring of them is never an adventure. If anything it can be an embarrassment. If you're me, it is. I can never figure out how to carry them. Shall I hold the awkward bag of lemons under one arm, the bag of rice in one hand, and the rice cakes in another? No, that doesn't work. What if I switch the order? What results is a slightly awkward girl shifting the groceries back and forth.

Skating is nice. I only fell once! :) :) However, when I did fall, I fell right on my rear and back so much pain was inflicted. A small bruise is starting to form. I cut my hand once when taking off the skates. Overall it was a huge success. It was so wonderful to see the Goldman's. Nothing ever changes. I like them. Especially Anna. She is such a sweet girl. :)

Home. I have one. It's so indescribably comforting to come home. Soon I will have a new home. What will that be like? Am I excited? You bet! Am I ready to be out of Medford? Isn't that what I've been telling myself this whole time. But If I wanted to be honest. I mean, really really honest, then I would say:

I'm scared. I'm actually terrified. 

The excitement is enough to counter that, but, at the same time.... My life is going to completely change. I won't, but my life will. Hanging out with the Goldman's reminded me of that. I will cling desperately to people, but in the end, God chooses who stays in my life and who doesn't. He's the one who decides. I'm happy that my fate is in the one absolute, perfect, being who loves me more than anyone. But If I wanted to be honest. I mean, really really honest, then I would say:

I'm scared. I'm actually terrified. 

Only with God's strength will I let go of those he tells me to. If he doesn't tell me to, you can bet I'll hold on with my life. This isn't for any one person. This is for everyone in my life. People move on. I'll move on. With Him. Always with Him.

I apologize for making no sense. I'm a bit weary. Well, you know what they say:

Strength comes in the morning. Lemonade sounds really good right now. :)

It's funny how God can use things in your life that you considered a bother to help others. For instance as I watched the incredibly beautiful and talented Rachel Warren and the equally talented and beautiful Jordon ;) I saw Spence and me. I knew exactly how they were feeling and could help try to make things less awkward. I'm not saying that to help someone you need to do what they're doing, but it was really nice to be able to know  exactly how they were feeling. All in all, it was wonderful. P.S. Sarah is the cutest thing ever. Seriously! I like her a lot. :) 

Now, I'm sitting on the "holy" couch with mom planning out the itinerary for the east coast trip. To think! I will be in D.C. next Wednesday. I'm reeeeeally excited. I'll get to see some friends at Emory & Henry and PHC, as well as go to Covenant Life next sunday (not this coming one). I sincerely hope God makes it very clear where he wants me to go to college.

My deepest apologies for the absence of my usual randomness. I guess I could try to be random.

1.) School is fun, even when you're doing it and *3.0x10^8 m/sec.
2.) Sleep is good, now that I remember what that is.
3.) So is food. I forgot what it was for a few days but I had some this morning and I've decided to make a habit of it. At least twice, maybe even three times a day. I guess they say it's good for you or something.

*Speed of light

Well, I'm going to go do something. Yeah. :)

It rained today. The skies opened the floodgates and let all the emotion it has been storing up during the summer fall out and drench the earth. It made it very hard to drive to and from rehearsal. 

"Can someone just say the cue so the cute little girl can say her line"

There is something very comforting about having an adorable blonde five-year old snuggled in your lap looking up at you with big brown eyes, and an equally sweet eight-year old, snuggled up next to you. It makes you feel warm inside and forget everything else for a while. 


I was driving home from rehearsal and I heard the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. It's apparently from the movie Fireproof. I loved the lyrics, but I needed to make some changes to them:


I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But (with His strength) patiently, I will wait


(with His strength) I will move ahead, bold and confident
(with His strength) Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
(with His strength) I will serve You
While I'm waiting
(with His strength) I will worship
While I'm waiting
(with His strength) I will not faint
I'll be running the race (with His strength)
Even while I wait

I love songs like these but If I don't have the Lord's strength guiding me and carrying me each step, I will fall apart.

I need to redefine my life, and I will.

With His Strength

I randomly opened to this passage a few minutes ago and was brought to tears...

My little model :)

::gasps in delight::

I love children!!!!! Oh my heavens how I want one of my own.... Wait.... I should probably get married first..... Wait.... I should probably go to college first.... Wait...... I should probably not be 17. :P :)

Seriously though, children are so precious! They make your heart swell.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I swear! I will never learn! I did it again. :P I got a 12 oz (instead of an 8 oz) super sweet pumpkin spice smoothie/frap/latte thing. All that sugar! I thought I would be fine, but 4 hours after consumption I felt as if my stomach were being torn in two.

Resolution: No white/processed sugar or coffee for one month starting tomorrow! Take that stomach pains! :) You can be sure that I will be blogging about the success/failure of this resolution.

Moving On-


Tonight was such an incredible night. :) During the first round of speech I "gave" my DI to Des, Abs, Mercy, and Mrs. Kruse. Then we talked extensively about what more needs to be done before I'll be ready to present it to the club. During the second session Des and I went to the Interp class and I had the pleasure of having the sweetest little girl with the loveliest brown eyes sit on my lap the whole time. :) Other than the times when I got up to do the drills of course. ;) :) Then the real fun began. :)

In brief, I have a fear of walking to my car alone at night. Yeah, it may be a little overreacting, but I really am. Too many bad dreams, lol. :) (Btw, I've officially not had a running dream for a few weeks. Or any sort of terrible dream. :) ) Anyway, so this time Josh Eddy (sorry if I spelled your last name wrong), Jeremy, Des, Troy, Aaron, Mercy, Abigail, and one other guy who's name escapes me at present, anyway, we all walked out to my car and ended up standing in the parking lot for about 1.5 hours. Our topics ranged from "The cute dance" to "He's with her??"- from "the evils of face book" to "a man's position in the household." And don't forget those darned peach rings and that poison oak. ;) :) All in all it was a wonderful evening (aside from having to pull over in Central Point as my stomach fell to pieces).

Made me laugh: "Did mom tell you my stomach exploded?" Daniel: "What??? Are you ok??" He totally took it literally. He came home about 15 minutes after I did and gave me a big hug and complemented my earrings. I have the best brother ever. :) :) :) :)

It's a small world. :P Too small. :P It's quite disconcerting when someone knows who you are and your connection to others. For the last time, Josh, I am not upset. :P :) :) :) I just said it's a lil disconcerting. :)

I think that's about it. Sorry these posts are so meaningless and boring. At least I'm still posting regularly so no one can think I've dropped off the face of the planet. ;) :)

Is COMPLETELY having Lindsey and Hannah withdrawals. Like. Major!

I was in J.C. Penny today and I was getting boots and I wished Hannah was there to give me her opinion. Then, when I pulled into my garage I saw some rather large shirtless older men on my roof (we're getting our roof....... reroofed? anyway) And I said,

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!! JUST KIDDING!!!

And I toooootally missed Lin. <3 <3 <3

That's all. :)

Hey y'all.

So I had an INCREDIBLE weekend. Seriously! The most incredible girls ever, great hikes, wonderful clothes, delicious food, got to meet tons of adorable kids (Elena Belle, Johnathan, Laina, Christian (the little one ;) :) and several other adorable sweethearts. ::beams::), and basically had the most incredible weekend ever. On the way home I stopped off in GP  and got to see the frisbee gang. I was kind of falling asleep so I needed a break from behind the wheel. I got to catch up with my dear dear friend Natalie, and was reminded of all the wonderful friends I have here. :)

When I got gas in Creswell, I got a bag of peach rings. I hate peach rings. They are disgusting. I have no idea why I bought them. They were just so cute! I thought it would be fun to have a bag of peach rings in my car. I wouldn't eat any..... About an hour later, I opened them and had one. Yes, I had one, and I remembered why I hated them. They were so gross. All that fake sugar.... But I kept eating them! Why?!?!?! I had about ten before almost throwing up. I ended up giving them to the grants pass gang .............................. As I went through life, I got a bag of sin. I hate sin. It's disgusting. I have no idea why I can't just stay away from it. It was just so enticing! I thought it would be fine if I just carried it around in my head. I wouldn't do it..... Then, a while later, I opened it and sinned. Yes, I sinned, and I remembered why I hated it. It was so gross. All the fake satisfaction. All that fake fulfillment.... But I kept doing it!!! Why?!?!?!?!?! I did it for about ten months before almost throwing up. I ended up giving it to God. I want to give everything to God. I want to hand over everything in my life to His control. It's my aim, but I can only do it by His strength. I love Him. <3 <3 <3 <3

What an incredible day. I am thoroughly exhausted and my nose is running like none other.

"Cooooome baaaaack." 

I would just to say that I absolutely adore my friend Hannah. We had so much fun hanging out today, and she is so sweet. AND I get to see her again on Sunday when I go to her church! :) :) I also love Lin. She's so funny and witty and awesome. :) :)

I'm too tired to think straight, but I do want to relay a little story. :) The drive from the Hellweg's to the Smith's was supposed to be about an hour, but it took 30 minutes longer cause the bridge was closed. :P Anyway, so after talking to my brother (I love him so much) I called Lin cause I was a little worried cause I was getting really tired. So we decided to stop off and get milkshakes. This is 11:15 at night mind you and nothing is open but Burger King. Anyways, I got myself a gut bomb milkshake and it kept me awake the last 30 minutes.

I miss Lauren and her wonderful family already, but I'm happy to be spending time with Hannah and Lin. ::sighs happily and quite sleepily:: This feels so right. The place. The people. Everything about the Portland area feels...... good. :) Familiar. Wonderful. :) I hesitate to say home, cause, like it or not, Medford will always be "home," however, this just feels...... well...... right. :)

I bought a Starbucks gift card today  

Well, here I am. :)

I managed to get just well enough to make the 4 hour drive to Portland. Along the way I made two of the stupidest stops. The first time I stopped off in Eugene to use the restroom and I had to maneuver through downtown. :P Secondly, I had to get gas, so I stopped off in Salem, and it took my 20 minutes to find a gas station. Whatever. :) Luckily I was supplied with Tactis For Defending the Faith, and lots of wonderful playlists. :)

I spent a lovely afternoon with Lauren.

"There was a point I swear." "What were we talking about?" "Darn it! What was I going to say" "::sings:: Once there was a girl named Layne who was so wonderful ooo ooo ooo ::lots of giggles from said Layne." "YES!!!!!! ........ Got the holy spirit. It's a good train... You should get on it."

Yeah, it was pretty much an awesome night. :) Taylor, Les, Lauren, and I watched Italian Job. Loooove that movie. :)

To make the experience that much better, Layne and I made breakfast this morning. I brought school work with me, but I'm deciding to leave it the car.

::beams:: I am happy. Life is wonderful. God is good. I love Him. A lot. Like a lot a lot. ::shakes head in amazement:: yeah. :)

I GET TO SEE HANNAH AND LIN TODAY!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! :) :) :) :) : ):

Hi. :)

They're all out!!!! My uncle was the one who designed the cage that rescued the miners in Chile.

They're All Out

Praise God

My Uncle Clint

:) :) :) :) :)

Hates feeling so helpless. :P For some reason the Lord has me bedridden... Two days before my much longed for, long awaited for trip to Portland. I must not despair. With the Lord's help, lots more vitamin C, etc. I'll be better before thursday. For now I must be content with staying in bed.

Not much else to say, except that the Lord continues to amaze me with how much he loves me. When I stop to really think about it.... ::grins:: It makes me feel so very happy. :) And it makes anything else, including a nasty illness, not quite as bad, cause I know it's not random.... Yeah... :)

Love you all dearly, as usual. :)

Lemons: Today at frisbee it rained a little and was really cold. I left my jacket at home and had only a t-shirt and track pants. I couldn't find my tennis shoes so I played barefoot. After the second game I was feeling sick, sniffles and coughs and stomach and what not, but I was too darn stubborn to go home so I tried to play another game and made it about 5 minutes. :P So I went and sat on the bench and Abigail sat on my lap and kept me warm till the game was over.

Lemonade: Even though I feel sick, I'm watching 50 First Dates, I'm in a warm bed, I'm very comfy, and I WILL get over this before Thursday.... Lord willing. I've just got to. Anyways, no more stubborn. I'm gonna crack down on vitamin C, sleep, and tea. God is sooooo good. Seriously, he makes me so very happy every day. I'm so undeserving, but He is so good. :)

Feeling so much better!! :) :) :) :)

Name that musical! Next To Normal, :) How about this?

"Oooooooh, it's bliss. I dreamed that it would be somewhat, but not, like this." -The Little Mermaid THE MUSICAL!

oOo or how about!

Good Morning, good day, how are you this glorious day. Have you seen a lovelier morning? Never." -She Loves Me

or

"Somehow, it all reminds me, of Doctor Jekly and Mr Hyde. Cause right before eyes, a man that I despise, has turned into a man I like." -She Loves Me

And!

"She loves me, sure she doesn't show it. How could she when you doesn't know it! Yesterday she loathed me. Ah! But today she likes me. Ah! And tomorrow, tomorrow, AHHHHHHH" -She Loves Me

And we can never forget

"I'm tingling, such delicious tingle, I'm trembling, what the h*** does that mean? I'm Freezing! That's because it's cold out." -She Loves Me

I am in a blissfully happy mood. :) Here's why:

1. When I took my SATs today I ended up in the same room as Aaron Sleadd, Rachel Sinner, Will, and Carly. I didn't feel quite as alone. 
2. I'm still alive after taking the SATs. ;) :)
3. I got an incredible pumpkin spice latte at dutch bros, and belted my head off to show tunes on the 45 minute drive home
4. I realize that God is telling me that I need to stop relying so much on plans. (Thanks to Meg. :) ) And even though not having a definite plan scares the living daylights out of me and leaves me quite perplexed at times (Thanks to Meg. :P ) I know everything is in His control. :)
5. I finally know what I'm supposed to do for the next couple years, or until God tells me otherwise. :)

I'm Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiining in the lemonade! :) :) :) :)  

I think Lemons is my new swear word. ;) :) Well, more like the word I'll say when I'm upset.

I am forever in this balance between overjoyed and overwhelmed and I switch between these without warning. It's silly to be overwhelmed because God is in control so whenever I'm overwhelmed I stop what I'm doing, give it to God, and then either bake, play piano, or collage. Tonight I decided to bake.

After 2 hours of preparation and creating, my "Fresh Apple Cupcakes with Almond Streusel" were finally in the oven. Once they had been tucked safely away, I realized that substituting 2 Tb. of Almond Extract or 2 Tb. of Armaretto would make the cupcakes much too strong. My mother had been the one to suggest the substitution so naturally I jumped on her. I was frustrated, selfish, and arrogant to place all the blame on her. Five minutes after a near breakdown, I realized how awful I had been (now granted, I hadn't yelled, or done anything, I had just calmly placed the blame on her, however I'm not sure which is worse). I called her, once again close to break down because of how sorry I felt. The condition was only made worse when I realized she had gone out to get a mini bottle of Armaretto.

All that to say, while today has been a lovely day, I decided to make this evening into lemons. I could have let it go, but I didn't Why do I share my shortcomings with you? I'm not sure. I think it's more a reminder to me about how much I need God's grace and patience.

::sighs:: There now. I've gotten that out of the way, and I'm going to stay up another few hours and conquer these things. I have to study in the morning and run and such, I'm a mess of flour and frustration, but God is so good. :) :) :)

Books I've read this semester (usually 18 weeks, completed in 9):

1. Westminster Confession of Faith -Divines
2. Pilgrims Progress -John Bunyan
3. Of Plymouth Plantation -William Bradford
4. The Social Contract -Jean-Jaques Rousseau
5. The Constitution/Articles/Declaration -Founding Fathers
6. Selected Federalist and Anti-Federalist Papers and Speeches -Patrick Henry/Jay/Hamilton/Madison
7. Tale of Two Cities -Charles Dickens
8. Macbeth -Shakespeare
9. Crazy Love -Francis Chan (Just for fun)

1.) My lips have been semi-permanently stained a slight wineish hue. :) Thanks theatre.

2.) I just saw the movie Invicutus, and I watched the whole thing. Thanks Mom.

3.) When I was little I would always sleep on my side. In this position I fell asleep every night to the sound of Captain Hooks steps getting closer and closer. Then I grew up a little and realized that it was the people in my nightmares. Then finally, I realized it was just my heart beat. Tonight as I lay down, I seriously thought someone was walking around outside, then I remembered it was just my heart.

Thanks imagination. :)

<3

P.S. I used to have a crush on hook. :)