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“There’s a grief
that can’t be spoken. There’s a pain goes on and on…”
What is this
crazy thing called life that we stumble through? I’m sure I don’t understand
it. What do you do when grief continues to shake you to your core? Or when
you’re expected to focus on menial things, and continue each day as if it were
the same as the next? You know that it isn’t. Something is very very different.
You go about your day, completing your tasks, laughing with friends, working
hard on school… And then there’s the five minutes spent on the floor of your
room, and you can do nothing but let your heart come up to your throat and then
pour out of your eyes.
And as you sit
there, you can’t help but wonder… why? Not “why did it happen” but “why do I
react this way?” Josh is probably now with the Lord, rejoicing, doing what he
was created to do. And yet, in some unknown location, his lifeless body is
cold, wet, and completely empty of life. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but
honestly the thought absolutely sickens me. And then I’m frustrated at myself,
because I know he’s with God. His body, though here on earth, is lifeless...josh-less.
He isn’t in it. But then again isn’t he? Isn’t that Josh lying there? These
questions confuse me, and send my heart fresh up into my throat again.
“We were not created to die.”
Is this why
death is grievous? Death is natural now. It’s even good because it’s the only
way we can be with God. But it is a result of the fall, and as such we feel the
pain of that fall every day. As I deal with the death of a dear friend, my
heart nearly shatters for those who have lost a brother, a sister, a husband, a
wife… a mother… a father. How were you so strong?
And then there’s
this stupid battle that goes on in my head. The world tells me that this a cruel
trick of fate. That a young man – so wonderful, and smart, and kind, and
downright hilarious – has been stripped from of life before he even had a
chance to really live. What a waste of talent some might say.
But then the
voice of truth rises up from where it’s been hidden in my heart and reminds me,
we were not created to die. But we are not made for this world. We are made to
be forever joined to the body of Christ, worshipping our heavenly father. There
is a pain and a sorrow that accompanies death, but there is also a level of
rejoicing for those who now are with the Mighty God of Israel, who was and is
and will be forevermore. And this somehow is enough to get me up on my feet
again, head raised (figuratively) as if to look for Josh while at the same time
searching for the face of Christ. I love what a friend of mine wrote on her
blog.
“We are dying to live, living to die like he did. We are bonding together, binding ourselves to one another, calling for authenticity. Our eyes, brimming, are wide open. We. have been awakened.”
I have been awakened. I pray that I might not waste
the precious months, weeks, days, hours, or minutes that the Lord has blessed
me with. Oh that my heart would be in ceaseless song, delighting in God’s
creation and in my fellow brothers and sisters.
Josh, there were so many things we still needed to
talk about, so many jokes you still needed to tell me, so many teasing pranks
you needed to pull, so much love and life I wanted to share with you and all my
friends. I remember when you would walk me out with Jeremy and Destiny and we
would all sit out on the hood of my car and talk, sometimes for hours, about
nothing and everything. I miss you. But I know I’ll see you soon. Don’t have
too much fun. ;) :)
