A New World
Here I am in the kitchen. I've indulged in a bowl of Lucky Charms. They are so bad for you, but sooooo good. :) :) :) Don't worry mom, I had some scrambled eggs for protein. Although I did have to shove them down quickly before thinking about it. Eggs are still hard for me to handle. And here I thought I'd be able to be tough and all, lol, guess not. :)


Well, I don't have an incredibly long time to talk. Five minutes tops actually. So this one is going to be a bit brief.

1) I am going to miss my little Gianina (pronounced: jineena). She has been such a delight. ::sighs:: I'm really going to miss her.

2) Packing my bags was a nightmare. Lol, It was hard to fit everything in the suitcase, not to mention I've acquired two rather large books while in Virginia, both of which are being pack cause I finished them.

3) I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ELIZABETH!!!!

And I'm afraid that's all I have time for.

It's about one moment, The moment before it all becomes clear, And in that one moment, You start to believe there's nothing to fear, A new world calls across the ocean, a new world calls across the sky, a new world whispers in the shadow, time to fly, time to fly. ~Songs From A New World

 

 

Over the past six months God has shown me so many things. I have learned and grown in his wisdom. I have also fallen into some pretty deep pits. Pits of depression, self-loathing, hopelessness, pain, and exhaustion. Now, one thing I would like to make very very clear, this is not a pity party. I don't want pity, I don't need pity, and I especially don't want anyone to think otherwise. So with that being said I'm giving you a rare opportunity to step into my mind.

For those of you who know me well, you will know that I am very works based.

Works based meaning that nothing is given without strings. I always feel like I have to pay someone back for a good deed. Applied to faith, I have a hard time getting over the fact that just because I've failed doesn't mean I'm not forgiven


These past months had been tough, because I had fallen into a vicious cycle of sin. I couldn't get out of it, no matter how much I prayed, I would always fall back into sin. This certain sin had become my rock, my soul existence for caring about anything, so when that rock was shaken, you can bet I was shaking right along with it. I looked at this circumstance as a way to prove that I was not a christian.

~Head Knowledge: I know God has forgiven all my sins and nothing I can do can take me away from him.
~Heart Knowledge: How can someone as wretched and vile as I am ever be forgiven. I can't even control my own selfish desires?

After several months of molding God was able to remove sin that had been my rock. The true relief was when I confessed everything to my mother. My confession revealed two things about me, 1) I was trying to handle things on my own, and 2) I wanted to handle things on my own, and THAT was what had bogged me down. By confessing to my mother I no longer had to bear the complete burden of my sin.

I'd like to give a quick thank you to my mother. You have no idea how your calmness has helped me through this. I love you so much.


So anyway, with the majority of the burden released I found that I still had one more major area that I needed to work on. This area isn't something that will happen over night. In the grander scheme of things it may not happen for years. I need to learn to let go.

One major thing that I have realized about letting go:
Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, it just means giving up control.

For the past few weeks, (ever since I left for California) I have fallen into my old habits. Trying to "pull myself up by my boot-straps." Thinking "I can take care of this, I just need to buckle down." And my personal favorite (:P) "Just try not to think about it and it will go away."

God has brought a few humbling experiences to me over the past few weeks. Nothing painful, or hard, but just little reminders that I can't do this alone. However, the truth was and still very much is, I don't want to stop thinking about it, or caring about it.......ever. I've come to believe, that's ok. It's ok to care about something, and to cherish it, and think about it. It's not ok to obsess over it and try to control it. It's that small revelation that has brought me so much peace.

While it may seem small, it's left me hopeful.

I have this silly little habit of counting when I don't want to think. I've done it ever since I can remember. I'm pretty sure it started when I was little. I had these awful nightmares, and when I couldn't sleep I would count. Sheep were overrated, numbers would do just fine. :) Needles to say, when I was in California I did a loooooot of counting. It seemed like everywhere I turned brought up old memories. Rather than cherish the memories and bring them to God, I tried to bury them. At BJ's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, on the pier, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Listening to certain songs. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, Just recently God has shown me that that is another way of me trying to control things. It's much easier to cherish the memories, give them up to the Lord, and see what he does with them than to try and bury everything. In my younger middle school years I was known as a coke bottle. No one actually called me that, but certain people, Meg in particular knew what it meant to see that explosion every 6 months. Btw meg, thank you so much for putting up with those. They must have been awful. But I digress. 


Anywho, yesterday the four cousins went to the mall, and Aunt and I went to mass. Today we went to the Living Virginia Animal Museum, and no, it was not a zoo. ;) Then I read The Negotiator by Dee Henderson. What an incredible book. Tomorrow we're headed to Jamestown and Williamsburg, and then tuesday will consist of packing and laundry. I can't believe how fast this week has gone by. :) I'll be sure to update you once I get to North Carolina.

I can't WAIT to see you Elizabeth!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

God Bless you all.

Lord, what am I going to do? You know my heart, and it just landed somewhere at that man's feet. Come tomorrow I'm going to have to scramble like mad to get some distance back so that every time he smiles my heart doesn't stop. But for the record-he's got beautiful eyes, a grin I adore, and I could see myself flirting with him for the next 50 years. Wooing someone to faith is what you do best. Please, I'd rather not get my heart broken 

Recap:
---Wednesday
Gina and I spent the morning and afternoon together. I made her breakfast, we played outside, I helped her work on her spelling workbook, I made her lunch, and then we went to the pool. We were at the pool for almost three hours. I love spending time with my adorable cousin! When we came home I decided to buckle down on Speech and I wrote my Dramatic Interp. It's a little rough, but I am very pleased with it. Not much else took place. :)

---Thursday
Thursday morning was very similar to Wednesday morning. Gina crawled in bed, we made silly faces, then we made our way out to the kitchen and ate some breakfast. Aunt Agatha was home by the time we were done with breakfast. We then pack everything up for the beach. Including: Lunches, Waters, Towels, Toys, etc. :) It took us almost an hour to get everything ready, then it was off to Yorktown Beach.


104......Let me say that one more time.....104. That's how hot it was at the beach (I ended up suffering from a mild heat stroke that night). Even though it was almost unbearably hot Gina and I made the most of it. We splashed around to keep cool, and Gina found some cool rocks, minows, and she even caught a jelly fish (She scooped it up in her bucket then dumped it on the sand. The poor thing lasted maybe a minute before clocking out). There was an adorable little black boy who played with us. The three of us had a grand old time, despite the outrageous humidity. On the way home I snapped a few shots of historic Yorktown. P.S. I would love to come back here in the winter, when it's not so hot. :)

After the beach I went to the pool to cool off real quick. I had been having, ::cough, cough:: Lifeguard issues, so I was debating whether or not to go to the pool without Gina, but I was so hot, and I needed to cool off, so I simply went to the pool and stayed as far away from the lifeguard chair as possible (if you want details just email me). Well, after a while I had cooled down, but I was reluctant to face the treacherous sun on my walk back home, so I waited for the Lord. Silly was it seems, I kept thinking to myself, "Ok Lord, I will leave whenever you want, not yet, but I'll leave whenever, just show me, like make me feel guilty." Well He didn't make me feel guilty. He did something so much better.

You see, there were only two other people there (other than the life guard). They were minding their own business and playing in the pool. In the middle of my silent prayer I noticed that they were starting to get out. It was obvious they were getting to leave. Their departure would have left me and Mr. Lifeguard alone! How perfect is that! So as soon as I saw them leave I laughed and said (to myself) "Ok, ok, Lord, I'm leaving. Thank you." I just thought it was the funniest thing. And so perfect too! So when they left, so did I. :)


---Friday
Thursday night I had a rough time sleeping. I slept all the way through, but I woke up feeling awful and dizzy. Looking back I should have been in check all day because of that. Anyway, Gina came in again and we went through the same routine, silly faces, finally rolling out of bed, trudging to the kitchen, and making breakfast for the two of us. We were going to go to the Mall today. Supposedly there are these lovely outlets. However, my poor Aunt got some kind of infection in her leg which makes walking incredibly painful, so any kind of plan was cancelled. I was bummed to say the least, and it made me a tad bit crankier (I know, I know, how selfish, trust me, I felt awful). I mean, I didn't show it outwardly, but I was disappointed. Gina and I went out on the lawn, and I made her lunch and we had a picnic. That was nice too, but, I don't know, I was just a little out of it. Luckily we decided to go on a walk, and that's when the trouble began.

We have to walk by the pool to go to the pond to feed the fish (our planned destination). Well, Gina wanted to dip her feet in, which I was totally fine with! Mr. Lifeguard wasn't on duty today....So. I. thought. Low and behold we enter through the gates and there he is, big smile and all. So, I was a bit short with Gina. I wanted to get out of there a.s.a.p. The stupid thing was that there was no threat. Nothing happened. I wasn't uncomfortable. It was just me having no patience. Needless to say I felt awful the rest of the way to the pond (I pulled Gina out before she wanted to go). So, we get to the pond, and I started feeling a little better. Just me and gina and two turtles. It actually was quite a lot of fun. :) On the way back home, I was determined to make amends, so I told Gina we could stop by the pool again. Well...yeah, we ran into a little trouble...

I don't know how many of you who read this also follow me on facebook, but seriously!!!! Do I have to go out in public with a bag over my head? Is that what it's going to take for people to leave me alone! Yikes! I was more worried for Gina, than myself, but still, I'm so sick of it! Ok, Lemonade time. I should always look for the lemonade. Ok. :) 1) The Lord had his arms wrapped around me and Gina.  2) He gave me the strength to refrain from saying anything and agitating the situation, and 3) we were only a block away from the pool so we were able to run to the pool and wait for Uncle Clint to escort us home (For the record, Gina didn't know what was going on, so she thought we were just racing to the pool so she happily complied, I guess that's 4). God is so good. 


Today was Patrick's birthday so we had pizza and cake. The cake was mostly for the rest of us. Pat said, "Don't get a cake unless Gina wants one." I owe that girl. :)


Wrap-up:
I have been looking forward to this trip for a long time, and yet, just yesterday I was excitedly babbling on about plans I might have in August or October.
*Note to self: Stay in the now. Don't worry about tomorrow. Hey, it's biblical. ;) :)

All that to say, I'm having a wonderful time here in Virginia, and I can't wait to see my dear friends in North Carolina.

Last and Least
I need a good book selection. Preferably a christian romance. ;) :) See, I can't sleep on planes, so I have to read otherwise the time drags by and I go crazy. ;) :) Any suggestions? Please send them to me via email/facebook/or any other way. I know that if you're a follower there's a way to send a message through google blog or something. I let those of you who are more techy try to figure that out. ;) :)

I love you all so much!

Belle

Virginia:
Life in Virginia is wonderful. :) :) Excluding the weather, of course. ;) :) Yorktown has certainly lived up to its humid expectations. I am slowly but surely getting used to the humidity. This morning I stepped outside and actually relished that warm humid feeling. It's a very comfortable kind of warmth....when it's not 100 degrees of course. :) It was only 92 this morning. That's another thing I have to get used to. It gets hot in the morning and then cools down in the late afternoon. In medford it is cool in the morning and gets hot in the late afternoon. All this to say, I'm adjusting quite well.

My cousins have all been considerably courteous, telling me how wonderful I am, and how useful I am, and how they are so glad to have me....... HA! In all seriousness, they have been wonderful, despite the constant teasing. I love them dearly.


Patrick: Too smart for his own good, and endearingly stubborn. Seriously though, really really smart, and quite stubborn. :) He's like an older brother to me, not excluding the "brotherly" teasing that happens every few seconds. Love ya cos!
Philip: He's funny, and takes after his brother in the teasing factor. He has the funniest russian accent. Right now he's volunteering at the National Air and Space Museum. His main task is to watch over a group of kindergartners. Yesterday he spoke to them in his russian accent all day. He's such a crack-up.
Gina: She is the most adorable seven year old on the face of this planet. Since she picked me up from the airport Saturday, she has stuck to my side the whole time. She knows more about animals than any person I have ever met. What a blessing it has been! :)

Quick Summary: 
Saturday: After we made it home, we all had a wonderful dinner and then went out to take a walk. I don't remember too much about that night except that I was talking to Pat till midnight about religion and then I stayed up till 2 talking with a beloved friend of mine who was able to gently push some sense into my head. I love you hannah! :)


Sunday: I went to mass with Aunt Aggi, phil, pat, and gina. I've only been to mass once before so it was an interesting experience. It was a beautiful service with the baptism of a sweet little girl, but it made me miss my church family dearly. I hadn't reckoned on that being something I would miss, but I really miss PD's teaching and fellowship with everyone. After mass and lunch Gina helped me unpack and get situated in my room. Then she and I played out side all day long. She showed me all of her bugs, and showed me how to catch them. I thought they were ugly but of course I didn't say anything. The one thing I remember hearing her say was, "Aren't they beautiful."


As humans we have been born into a depraved and sinful state. We are like filthy bugs that crawl on flowers and ruin the beauty of them. I found it fascinating that God would choose to reveal to me, a truth that I so desperately wanted to hear, through the mouth of a seven year old. God was reminding me gently of how he looks at me. "Aren't you beautiful," he says of me. All he sees is a beautiful butterfly because his son's righteousness has been given to me. What a wonderful thing to be reminded of. 


The day ended with another walk. I went to bed a little earlier.

Monday: I can't remember a whole lot about this day. We went to the library in the morning and then we went to the Air and Space museum and hung out there for a while. We had to pick Philip up cause he was volunteering there, so we decided to go early and just look around. The day ended in another walk. :)


Tuesday: We went shopping for new sunglasses cause I broke mine. Then, the rest of the day was spent at the community pool. The life guard was sweet and gave me a book from england. It was a quick read, and I managed to finish it in an hour. It was....interesting. Clever, but interesting. At least it was somethin to pass the time. The evening was a little slower and I used it to catch up with a few friends of mine.

Today (wed.): Last night I managed to fall asleep before midnight. I was grateful for the extra sleep. This morning I heard a timid knocking at my door. I got up to unlock my door then jumped back in bed, assuming it would be Pat or Auntie, but gina pocked her head around the frame. Then I remembered that the whole family was going to be gone. Clint at NASA where he works, Aggi and Phil and a meeting, and Pat at class, so I welcomed her in, and she crawled in bed with me and we giggled and made silly faces.

Three things I am REALLY looking forward to when I'm a mom. Teaching my children how to read/write, having cuddly time with them, and kissing away their scrapes. I love how kids think that one kiss from mommy will make everything better. ::smiles:: But I'm getting ahead of myself. :)


We then made a funny video. She is such a sweetheart. :) We then went outside, me with my cereal and her with her always present smile. Then we came back inside and I helped her work through her workbook. We got a lot of work done. Her mommy will be so proud. Now we're curled up on the couch  watching an animal movie. Later we might go back to the pool.

Confessions of a home lover:
I have to say, as much as I love Virginia, I do miss Oregon. I love the hills. That's something I miss. Don't get excited, I still want to live in a big city, but I do miss Oregon more than I thought I would. All that to say I love it here.

Confessions of a self-piteous child of God:
I'm just confessing stuff all over the place. ::laughs:: Sunday night laying in bed at 1:00am I started thinking. Now granted it was late so my emotional diameter probably wasn't due north. Regardless, I started thinking about every big decision I had made in the last two years. Each one more self serving than the last. I realized that I had only sought out foolish pleasure. Each decision had ended badly. I thought about everything that I had let happen to me. I started think about all the things that had been said to me, and I started believing those things. I reflected on the fact that it was my fault that everything had happened. Rather than rush to the Lord's arms to find comfort I just sank deeper and deeper into my own despair. 

Then I got on the computer. This is what I do whenever I want to forget everything. Usually I just get more depressed, but the Lord was not going to let me off that easy, and praise Him for that. I got on gmail and my dear friend was on. She talked to me for an hour, and she basically said the same thing over and over. God loves me. He has forgiven me. He can fill me. He can get rid of my emptiness. By the third time she said that (in much more flowing way of course), I was about to just say forget it (I cringe at how stubborn I was. I was determined to remain in my empty state. It was all I had felt the last few months and I was scared of a change). But then she said it again, and. I. understood. It was like God opened my eyes to everything. 

Ramble:
I can't really describe or remember everything that happened next, but it was like I finally felt full.  I eventually got off the computer at 2:00am, and then I prayed. Finally I was able to let go of everything. Everything that had been said to me, everything that had hurt me, everyone that had hurt me, I gave it all to the Lord. ::smiles wryly:: I take that back, he took it from me. I didn't ahve the strength to let go. I realized that I had been used to the guilt, depression, the feeling of being used. All of that was normal to me. It was just how things were. The real upset was when God sent me something better, and I was scared of it. It wasn't anything I was used to, and so I turned it away. I still think that was the right decision, but it was based on the wrong reasons. I realized that I hadn't wanted to give anything to God because that would mean that I had to give up the last year of doubts, guilt, sorrow, and even though it seems like that would be easy, like I said, it was all I was used to. It's on this trip that God is going to help me get things back in order. I thought I had moved on from what was behind me, but I realized I hadn't let anything go because it was still hurting me. ::sighs:: That was a lot of rambling, but it's so hard to eloquently describe the kind of freedom I feel. Thank you Lord. :) <3

Who knows?:
What's in store. What tomorrow will hold. What I will do with my life. Who I'm going to marry. Where I'm going to live.
God
Not me.

What I do know, is that I'm going to go play with Gina. Will see what happens from there. :)

Quote of the day:

"I keep thinking it will get easier the more I come back, but it doesn't. It just gets harder because I close my eyes, and I can see. smell. feel. everything as if it were just yesterday. And I miss that time. The time when things were simple and everyone liked me. And now it's complicated.....and "people" don't like me." -Me

----Today
I'm exhausted, so my thought flow may not be as fluid as I usually try to make it. :P :) Well, I started the morning with a lovely ride to Seal Beach. From our house to there is about a 30 minute bike ride. It was cloudy. Let me say this again, It. Was. Clou. Dy. AND it started to drizzle a little.....Whatever. :P All the same, the bike ride was quite enjoyable. :) I got to ride on one of those awesome beach bikes. It's green, and the handlebars are way far apart, and the only way to break is to back pedal. It's totally different from a mountain bike, but it's totally fun. :)

Once at the beach, I walked out along the wharf while my mom watched the bikes.

You know the drill. ;) :) These are more like random reflexions rather than commercials, but whatever. :) Anyway, I love wharfs. There is something about walking 50 feet above the ocean. It brought back such a flood of memories. I love the way the wind totally thrashes at you, and how the smell of fish and salty air is so potent that it could knock you out if you breathed to deeply. I love walking down to the very end. I love leaning over the fence and just staring at the ocean below. I could do that for hours, if I wasn't alone. Eventually, I get lonely so I have to rejoin civilization, but I have to say, there are few other places that make me so happy. I won't go into detail about those other places. That would take too long. :)


Well, I came back and mom and I rode back home. We didn't do much else. Like I said earlier I went to Barnes&Noble and worked on apologetics for an hour. I got 1 1/2 cards done, and got a bunch of great intros. It was pretty fulfilling.

----Boating
I went boating with the boys. They knee boarded, but I didn't have enough energy to go. They both did a wonderful job, and after we were done we cruised through the water streets. Basically it's all these canals, and these stunning homes that line the canals. Kinda like Italy, but the houses are high up, and the canals also serve as a harbor. (If you want to see what this looks like just check out my newest album on facebook. I added some photos today.)


The rest of the evening was spent in listlessness. Not exactly the best way to spend time not thinking....If you know what I mean. This evening I got a call from a dear friend, and we talked for one hour, 21 minutes, and 14 seconds. Not a record, but it's the longest I've talked to someone on the phone in a really long time. I love her so much. Soooooo much. SOOOOO MUCH!!! Lol. :) <3

Overall it was a day well spent. Tomorrow I go in for my treatment thing. I pray that it works, cause if it does it will make the next month, that much more enjoyable.

"Praise to Lord almighty he is Lord he is God indeed."

Goodnight. <3

1.) Not a big deal, sorry if it appeared that way
I would like to address what I said yesterday about my digestion/head. I was up late last night, and I felt plagued by my conscience. I would like to inform everyone that my trouble with digestion, is only annoying, not threatening.

Right now, at this certain stage in my life, I am surrounded by hurting people. Whether the cause be inside of them or something outside of them, the fact of the matter is, it's much more serious than any of my little problems. I say this, because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. This blog is just supposed to be the lemonade. Just the happy stuff, or at least, the sad stuff, with a hint of lemonade. ;) :) So, I would just like to clarify that I am more than grateful for the body God has given me. I can run, and dance, and sing, and see, and hear, and so a few digestion problems and a few headaches are not that big of a deal. And for all of you who are hurting, my heart goes out to you.

2.) Music, run, music, run
 I was going to address this in my last post, but I never got around to it. MUSIC!!!!! Ah, what would we do without it. I had a few people ask me for specifics on my playlist. I basically call it my "fun times" playlist. I know! So original right?!?! ;) :) Anyway, I have most of the song times memorized, and I use that to judge how long I've gone. So If I want to run for 20 minutes, I listen to songs 4-10 etc. So here are some of the songs:


-All Of Me: Michael Buble
-Love will find you: Storyhill 
-Don't look back: She &Him
-Bottle it up: Sara Bareilles
-Under control: Parachute
-Good People: Jack Johnson
-You and I: Ingrid Michaelson
-Staple it together: Jack Johnson
-No sunlight: Death Cab for Cutie
-Question: Old 97's
-Wish I was cool: Chris Trapper
-Everything's ok: Chris Rice
-You belong with me: Taylor Swift
-Yours to take: Jimmy Needham
-Smile: Uncle Kracker
-Here come those eyes: Christ Rice
-Lemonade: Chris Rice
-The Anthem: Good Charlotte
-Something to say: Matthew West
-Je Trace: Florent Pagny
-Hey, soul sister: Train

To name a few.... ;)

3.) Thank the Lord for those who make you laugh. :)
I was talking to a very dear friend of mine last night. She has two incredible boys, and I always love her company. God has certainly blessed some people with the gift of humor. She and her family are going to Hawaii soon, and so she went to a tanning bed to try to tone down the "Medford Whiteness." She was telling me how in the waiting room, women were talking about baking chickens. Baking times were being discussed, and comments like "Oh, she looks a little tender," sent me into bursts of laughter. It was so funny! She is such a wonderful woman! :)

Well, I'm going to go to barnes&noble now, while everyone else goes to kobe steakhouse and then Coldstone. I'd rather go read anyway.
Tatata. Three is for emphasis. ;) :)

Well, I have certainly had my fill of car rides. :P :)

----Drive (2)
Today was quite similar to yesterday minus the talking. I slept poorly last night and woke up with an achy back so I wasn't chatty and was a little shorter than I would have liked, but my wonderful mother put up with me the whole 7 hours. We spent the first half of the drive in random bursts of chatter, and then long phases of silence. I stared out the window most of the time and got lost in my thoughts.

We pause this for a quick commercial break. Have you ever found yourself staring out the window lost in your thoughts. Have you ever found yourself getting frustrated cause you couldn't stop thinking? Have you ever wanted to stop thinking? Count! (serious now ;) :) ) Today I thought....about everything. I didn't like it. I tried counting. I must have counted to 100 at least 50 times. There are certain things that you can't help thinking about, and you want to stop thinking about them cause it doesn't change anything, but you can't stop. So yeah


-----Finally
I finally went in the back of the car and lay down. I actually got an hour of sleep which was lovely! When we finally pulled into Long Beach at 4:15 I was sooo ready to be out of the car. Once we actually got to Grandma's and Grandpa's I unpacked everything and got completely settled in.

Then it was into the track shorts, t-shirt, baseball cap, and on a run. I had to wake up, and running in the blistering heat was the perfect answer. I'm not actually a typical runner/jogger/whatever, but I do like running when I get the motivation to. It helped that I was playing my favorite playlist. :) Once I got home I was so hot that I had to find a way to cool down as soon as possible so I ran to the community pool, but it wasn't that cold. I mean it was cool, but not cold, ya know? So then I ran home took a shower, had dinner, and worked on my DI, possible thematic interp, possible original oratory, and apologetics. Ugh, but fun. Ya know? lol. :) :)

----Goodbye, Till...Whenever. ;) :)
Tomorrow is a new day. Yeah. That's all I know about tomorrow, lol. We might go to ANNE TAYLOR LOFT, which is my favorite store. Second is Heavenly Couture on 2nd street. I'm happy just to be relaxing. I'm hoping that being here will solve a lot of things that have been happening lately. I guess that's up to God though, and he usually knows what He's doing......Ok, he always knows what He's doing. He is so good. Thank goodness. :) :)

Sleep...What is that again?

Due to the nature of my adventures, my time on the computer will be limited. However, I will still do my best to chronicle my travels as much as I much as I can.

Today: 
Being the responsible person I am, I got to bed early and had a very restful night....... ::chuckles:: Kidding! I went to bed pretty late last night, but I got to sleep till 9:00, so it was that bad.

----Church
     Church this morning was excellent. The sermon was a continuation of Romans 8. Today's topic was about the three assurances of "there is therefore now, no condemnation." I have a tendency to be very works based. My parents have raised me to believe that nothing I can do will "let God down," mainly because I'm not the one holding God up. He holds me up. However, even with all the head knowledge, I tend to have trouble forgiving myself. While it's important to take sin seriously, I have a hard time letting it go. A very selfish habit, if I do say so myself.
     Anyway, this morning was such a wonderful reminder that there is now no condemnation for God's children. Nothing we can do will condemn us if we have Christ. It's not like God is "somewhere up there" saying, "Oh come on, come on, you can do it, don't sin....no...no...NO! Darn it, now you have to be condemned." No. :) Christ has already paid the price, and because of his sacrifice, there is now no condemnation. Such encouraging words. (Thank you pastor Dale!)

----Drive
     When we came home we loaded the car, and got ready to go. It wasn't until I was about to head out the door that I realized I'd forgotten to eat breakfast (I had been in a rush to get church because of my late start). So I shoved a down a quick bowl of yogurt and cheerios, and then we made it out of Medford by 12:40. My mom and I get a little bored sometimes, so on almost every car ride, we have invited R.C Sproul and Tim Keller to come along with us. They always have wonderful sermons, and they make the time go by very quickly. ;) :) (Sermons on CD's) On this car ride, however, we talked the whole 6 1/2  hours to Palo Alto!
     We began the conversation by talking about love. Relationship love. My parents love stories, my love stories, love counseling, love confessions, love everything. From there we moved to Russian history, Indi/pakistani history, religious wars, the french revolution, the roman/ottoman/mongol empires. My mom just recently finished a world history course as part of her masters, and she and I both LOVE world history. I won't bore you with the details of our conversation, but it was so much fun to talk about something we are both so passionate about. :) After that we moved onto theology. This wasn't as new because we are always talking about theology, new twists in the bible, new concepts, new books etc. However, it was nice being able to hear some of the connections my mom had made. Then we talk about DI, and persuasive. I'm already overwhelmed, and I haven't even started. Lol. :) I'll manage. :)
     We were able to drive the whole time, only stopping once for lunch and Panda Express. Their orange chicken is my fav.or.ite. except for the fact that it's really bad for you. :P :) We were making good time, when suddenly traffic came to a stand still. A complete stand still. No one was moving. Period. So we got off the free way and managed to go most of the way via side streets. When we had to get back on the freeway we realized two of the four lanes had been shut down. It was still really hard to see what was going on. Then we saw it, looming ahead of us. A bridge. A very large one at that.

We pause this story for a short commercial break. ;) :) Do you run into walls constantly? Are you always hurting yourself with random objects on accident? Do you stub your toe on carpets? If you answered yes to all these questions your name is probably Belle! Now, if you are a belle, you will understand what it's like to have an irrational fear of people. One Belle was even heard of preparing to use a pencil as a defense weapon. (If you want the story email me.) Ok, seriously though. I am terrified of strangers. I'm scared that someone will try to attack me. It's lame, but whatever. Well, my mom is the same way. Except with bridges. Now back to the story. 

     As soon as we saw the bridge, my mom began to worry that something was wrong with the bridge. Needless to say, the next five minutes were spent in fervent prayer. As we began to cross the bridge I said, more to myself, "I bet they're filming a movie." Sure enough, guess what they were doing! They had shut down 2 lanes. Twenty-five miles of freeway had been closed down to film a stinkin movie. There was some famous actor there, but I couldn't see who it was. :P Anyway, we were very thankful to make it across the bridge and to Palo Alto safe and sound, and while the sun was still up at that.

----Palo Alto
     California. Beautiful, sunny, amazing California. If it weren't for the lack of seasons I would be perfectly content living here. The weather was incredible. Warm, but with a slight breeze. My poor cousin Charlie was sick, and Uncle Mark was working, but Auntie Lara, Jack, my mom, and I all went to the city to have dinner.
     We went to a gorgeous Italian restaurant that was situated right on a lovely street full of big stores. Needles to say I was in heaven just at the sight and feel of it all. Then we ate..... Wow! The food was incredible. Our waiter was wonderful. The service was amazing. As soon as we were done with our salads our dinner was placed before us. There was no time between the two. This was a very new concept for me. We don't have that many fancy restaurants in Medford, and even the fancier ones are most often lacking in food preparation. It felt so lovely to be at a nice restaurant where both the service and the food were wonderful. The caesar salad dressing was made from scratch, as was the penne. Yum.my. :)
     After that wonderful experience we walked a few blocks down to an authentic gelato place. It was so nice to finally have real gelato again. Nothing will ever compare to the kind we had in Bolagio, but it was the closest yet. By the time we were done there, my stupid body started acting up and I started shivering. In my defense it was getting a little colder. All the same, we decided to call it a night.

"Goodbye, Until Tomorrow"
     One thing I have learned: when you tell your mom (in my case) something that you have been keeping from them for a long time, suddenly a huge burden is lifted and you feel free. That's what today was like. After confessing to my mom yesterday about everything it seemed that today I was able to, for the first time, really enjoy myself. I'm hoping that this journey brings new beginnings and discoveries.
     Like I said, I'll try to keep everyone updated as much as I can, but I am on vacation so my time on the computer will be limited once I really get going. However, for the next week I'll be able to post regularly. Thank you so much for making me feel so missed and loved. I miss you all dearly, and I can't wait to see some of you soon.

Yours Truly,
Belle
<3

My cousin Charlie working on a drawing of his. Let it be known that he is not tracing anything, or looking at a picture. This is purely from his imagination, and any recollection he has of ironman. :)