Over the past six months God has shown me so many things. I have learned and grown in his wisdom. I have also fallen into some pretty deep pits. Pits of depression, self-loathing, hopelessness, pain, and exhaustion. Now, one thing I would like to make very very clear, this is not a pity party. I don't want pity, I don't need pity, and I especially don't want anyone to think otherwise. So with that being said I'm giving you a rare opportunity to step into my mind.

For those of you who know me well, you will know that I am very works based.

Works based meaning that nothing is given without strings. I always feel like I have to pay someone back for a good deed. Applied to faith, I have a hard time getting over the fact that just because I've failed doesn't mean I'm not forgiven


These past months had been tough, because I had fallen into a vicious cycle of sin. I couldn't get out of it, no matter how much I prayed, I would always fall back into sin. This certain sin had become my rock, my soul existence for caring about anything, so when that rock was shaken, you can bet I was shaking right along with it. I looked at this circumstance as a way to prove that I was not a christian.

~Head Knowledge: I know God has forgiven all my sins and nothing I can do can take me away from him.
~Heart Knowledge: How can someone as wretched and vile as I am ever be forgiven. I can't even control my own selfish desires?

After several months of molding God was able to remove sin that had been my rock. The true relief was when I confessed everything to my mother. My confession revealed two things about me, 1) I was trying to handle things on my own, and 2) I wanted to handle things on my own, and THAT was what had bogged me down. By confessing to my mother I no longer had to bear the complete burden of my sin.

I'd like to give a quick thank you to my mother. You have no idea how your calmness has helped me through this. I love you so much.


So anyway, with the majority of the burden released I found that I still had one more major area that I needed to work on. This area isn't something that will happen over night. In the grander scheme of things it may not happen for years. I need to learn to let go.

One major thing that I have realized about letting go:
Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, it just means giving up control.

For the past few weeks, (ever since I left for California) I have fallen into my old habits. Trying to "pull myself up by my boot-straps." Thinking "I can take care of this, I just need to buckle down." And my personal favorite (:P) "Just try not to think about it and it will go away."

God has brought a few humbling experiences to me over the past few weeks. Nothing painful, or hard, but just little reminders that I can't do this alone. However, the truth was and still very much is, I don't want to stop thinking about it, or caring about it.......ever. I've come to believe, that's ok. It's ok to care about something, and to cherish it, and think about it. It's not ok to obsess over it and try to control it. It's that small revelation that has brought me so much peace.

While it may seem small, it's left me hopeful.

I have this silly little habit of counting when I don't want to think. I've done it ever since I can remember. I'm pretty sure it started when I was little. I had these awful nightmares, and when I couldn't sleep I would count. Sheep were overrated, numbers would do just fine. :) Needles to say, when I was in California I did a loooooot of counting. It seemed like everywhere I turned brought up old memories. Rather than cherish the memories and bring them to God, I tried to bury them. At BJ's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, on the pier, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Listening to certain songs. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, Just recently God has shown me that that is another way of me trying to control things. It's much easier to cherish the memories, give them up to the Lord, and see what he does with them than to try and bury everything. In my younger middle school years I was known as a coke bottle. No one actually called me that, but certain people, Meg in particular knew what it meant to see that explosion every 6 months. Btw meg, thank you so much for putting up with those. They must have been awful. But I digress. 


Anywho, yesterday the four cousins went to the mall, and Aunt and I went to mass. Today we went to the Living Virginia Animal Museum, and no, it was not a zoo. ;) Then I read The Negotiator by Dee Henderson. What an incredible book. Tomorrow we're headed to Jamestown and Williamsburg, and then tuesday will consist of packing and laundry. I can't believe how fast this week has gone by. :) I'll be sure to update you once I get to North Carolina.

I can't WAIT to see you Elizabeth!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

God Bless you all.