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First, I would
just like to thank everyone who read my blog post and/or sent me encouragement.
God really used the article to bless me in more ways than I would have guessed.
I was especially surprised at the amount of guys (at least at my school) who
were encouraged by the post.
I still have so
much to elaborate on, but have decided to wait and let it sort itself out more
in my mind and in my conversation with others.
One of my guy
friends messaged me wishing to continue the conversation, which led to many
questions.
Context
I love my
school. I’m pretty sure there isn’t another school in the country that is as
perfect for me as this one. This includes the people. I love them so incredibly
much. As some friends put it recently (and I’m paraphrasing here), “if the
world were coming down on us, I would fight back to back with you” (it sounded
way cooler when they said it). I would run into any fire to save all of my
friends here at Patrick Henry College, so deep is my affection for them. That
being said…
I am so stinkin
tired of the rumor mill, not just because of the rumors themselves but because
of how they damage friendships and put an unhealthy pressure on emotions. This isn't specific to my college either. It's prevalent throughout most of what is recognized as the conservative christian community. Let
me explain.
Charlie likes
Claire, but isn’t really planning on doing anything about it because he doesn’t
want to be in a relationship/likes another girl too/wants to keep his options
open… take your pick. However, Claire finds out that Charlie likes her, and
immediately thinks “Oh no! I need to completely back off so that he doesn’t get
the wrong idea.” In the end, you have two frustrated people who have just lost
a friendship. The exact same thing can happen in the opposite direction.
This gives undue
weight to emotions, more so than necessary. Emotions are powerful, yes, but I
believe that we shouldn’t trust them (they are God given, but that does not
constitute a full dependency on them when wishing to know our own desires). It
is perfectly natural for boys to like girls, and girls to like boys. What
counts is what you do with those emotions.
At the risk of
sounding preachy, or offering a concrete solution, I’ve found that in the event
that a young girl finds out that one of her guy friends likes her, she should
completely drop the friendship so as not to hurt his feelings and keep him “emotionally
safe”…? By no means! I don’t mean to sound sarcastic. Girls definitely should
not intentionally lead a guy on if there is no interest on her side. Then
again if you’re flirting with someone when you find out he likes you, the
bigger problem is that you were leading him on to begin with, not how much you
need to scale back so as to not hurt him. That’s probably something a girl
should think about in the first place.
So, back to
Charlie and Claire. The ideal situation is that Claire would continue to treat
Charlie as a godly brother in Christ, conscious of the information she has
received, and careful in her actions, but still just as much as a friend. There
are usually two things that will happen at this point. 1) If the guy is seriously
interested, he’ll tell her and ask her out in which case she can say no
politely, and they can take things from there. Or 2) the guy’s emotions will
blow over (as is most often the case), and their friendship will continue as it
was before, and perhaps be richer because of it.
So now the Questions:
I’ll be thinking
about these over the next few weeks. Some thoughts I’ll share, others I won’t
(I’m currently reading Perelandra, but if anyone has any other material that
they found enlightening, I would love to read/listen/watch it).
In light of my
last article, what are some practical things that girls can do to encourage men
to pursue godly manliness? Maybe it isn’t a list, but more of a mindset?
What would young
men say are the most fundament aspects of being a real man? How does that
compare with what girls think?
I’ve recently
been told that when a young woman likes a young man, she should encourage him
in such a way so that he is confident in pursuing her (the idea of leading the
man without him realizing that you are leading). How should this differ from the
sisterly/godly encouragement that young men want to receive in order to push
them towards manliness?
What do guys see
as the main distinction between sisterly/godly encouragement and flirtation?
How do the
answers to all these questions compare between guys and girls? Are there any
differences in the answers so significant as to cause confusion between the
sexes?
Dr. Esolen has
spoken of a wasteland. While it’s great to talk about reclaiming it, what does
that look like practically?
There are so
many more questions that will arise, and I realize that these aren’t easy, one
word answers. But I would really love to hear thoughts, not only from men, but
also from young women.
If it isn’t
already obvious, I don’t know the answers to these questions. I feel so
inexperienced and ill-equipped to head up any sort of discussion on such
matters. A lot of the things that I speak against, I am completely guilty of
doing myself.
What I wish to
emphasize here is that there is a curiosity that has arisen in me, that is
mirrored by those around me. It is one that I have decided to pursue. Are there
concrete answers to all of these questions? I don’t believe so. I am not
seeking to unveil the mysteries of the opposite sex so as to understand them
more (as fascinating a subject as that is). I simply wish to dialogue about the
interaction between guys and girls, and how it has swung between extremes over
the last few years. As in all things, I want to bring glory to God in all that
I do. If this discussion does nothing but bring one man or woman closer to
understanding his or her purpose as a child of God, I would count myself
incredibly honored to be the tool God uses to communicate truth.
Again, I feel so
inadequate to facilitate such a conversation, but I realize that any truth that
comes about from this is because God himself is at work in the hearts and minds
and words of those who participate. Soli Deo Gloria.
Blessings,
Belle
“A day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of
mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-stricken day; and a
succession of such days is fatal to human life.”
1 Comment
I will be fully honest, this conversation is one that is a forerunner in many minds of Christian young people today, as I know that it is for myself. I am no different, I do not have all the answers, nor do I claim to. However, I will share what I do know. As you have mentioned, our relationship with God must always remain first. If these things come between us and Him, we have better leave them alone altogether. Also, we must realize God has a purpose and a plan and is custom making our husbands/wives for us. Along with the Word of God and prayer, godly leadership is huge. One of the best things girls can do sometimes is step back and let godly men affirm our young men and as women, draw close to the leaders in our lives who have more wisdom in these matters than we do. Along with this, one of the major thoughts as far as the line of being "sisterly" and flirting is the question, "Would I want some other girl treating my future spouse in such a way?" Everyone is (in most circumstances) someone else's future mate, and we must not toy with emotions or flirt with flirtation. Finally, I do agree that there are good godly guys out there. I am proud to know a great many and many in the making. Girls in our culture have no longer set a standard for what kind of man they will let win their heart, and in response we have come out with men who have found they do not have to do more than show up to attract a woman. It is a sad truth indeed. One of the best ways we can encourage our young men is being a woman of character who has some mystery and must be chased and won, not just handed over. I know, I have exceeded what should be merely a comment, but hopefully it helps. I admire your bold declarations and even your vulnerability in posting such a topic. The best of luck as you continue in school and in servng God. Well done (:
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