Security, Where Are You?

This week has been interesting to say the least. At the beginning of the week my energy built, I began to heal in more ways than one (I’ve been sick for the past 5ish weeks). But last night I had the biggest wake up call I’ve had since December. Ironically, I was just crawling into bed. Let me give a bit more context.

Rehearsal has completely swallowed my life this past week. By no means is that a bad thing, but if you’ve ever had something completely swallow your life you know how draining that could be. Nonetheless, I was so filled with joy. I’m sure the gorgeous weather added to it. I distinctly remember walking down the sidewalk and suddenly breaking into skipping and spinning just randomly. I got the silliest looks and headshakes from my friends, but I didn’t care. I was so joyful. I was convinced I had finally broken free of the chains of guilt and sorrow. The Lord was truly filling me with Him to the point of bursting. Let me tell you, it’s an absolutely amazing experience…

So then what the hec happened last night?

Almost immediately after the show closed, exhaustion began to slowly creep through my fingers and make it through my body. This wasn’t entirely abnormal; what was abnormal was the path that this little creature took. It climbed past the invisible wall that separates physical from emotional and seeped into my heart and mind. This feeling completely changed my outlook. Suddenly everything became unbearable. Suddenly everything I was so sure of came crumbling into the pile of unresolved rubble that it had been the previous weeks. Dismayed for a couple hours, I simply let this turmoil work within me as I kept on a false exterior. After a slightly relieving conversation with a friend, I was determined to get back to that state of being filled with God. I was convinced all I had to do was focus on the blessings and wonderful things in my life.

As I climbed into bed, I breathed a quick prayer: “Lord give me strength.” Then it hit me.

I’m still seeking fulfillment outside of God.

I thought I had replaced previous idols with God, but I had only replaced those idols with different ones.

We were not made for this world. We were not made to find ultimate fulfillment in the things of this world. However, we have this innate desire to be filled by something; anything. Some find their fulfillment in people; some find it in money. Sometimes it’s deeper than that. For some, fulfillment is only reached when that person feels loved by someone else; not necessarily in the romantic sense. If I’ve learned anything over the last few years, it’s that nothing lasts but God.

However, as I was crawling into bed, I realized I hadn’t been finding ultimate fulfillment in God. What I thought was God, was only another idol, another source of ultimate happiness, but I still lacked the true joy that comes from God. Now, I know that God has filled me this week with a very unnatural joy, but I still am seeking other forms of joy. I’m still not finding my ultimate peace and security in God.

So where do I go from here? Honestly? I don’t really know. I thank God for revealing my folly to me before it affected anyone else. I thank God for the new joy and hope that comes each morning. I thank God for his majesty and his love; the only love capable of making me feel completely whole. I will thank Him over and over and over.

You are my hiding place

You always fill my heart

With a song of deliverance

Whenever I am afraid

I will trust in You, I will trust in You

Let the weak say, “I am strong,

In the name of the Lord”

I will trust in You

My room is filled with flowers right now. Now that's something that brings me joy. :) I love flowers!!!!! :D :D :D

Whoever gave me the daffodils: Thank you so much! <3