The first thing I did when I entered the room was to turn off the lights. The darkness was welcome as I let myself slowly wilt leaving my bags and the other things at the door. My breath slightly shaky I walked uncertainly towards the direction of the source of any immediate comfort (aside from the Lord). Sitting down I took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and let my fingers gently rest on the cool keys. A slight application of pressure and a flow of notes came out.

I played the piano in the dark, and in those moments I allowed myself to reveal everything. My deepest desire surged as the music crescendoed sweetly and longingly. I let my mind wander aimlessly through the thoughts and emotions that I refuse to let loose in the company of others. All the passion that burns inside of me directly seeped out through the music. As my mind wandered I felt a heaviness in my heart. My throat caught slightly, as my sight threatened to be impaired with tears. But just as soon as the feeling came upon me, it left again. It was as if I was literally crying through the music, rejoicing through the melodies, and calling out with longing in the subtle harmonies.

This may seem dramatic, and to speak truth, I recognize it as such. But there are so many words, thoughts, and actions left unsaid unthought or undone that music seems like the natural venue for such communication. With music I have the opportunity to resolve anything and everything I choose. I can control how the song sounds and I can guide the song in any way I choose. I don't need to exercise patience. If I want to include a note I can add it right then and there. There is no confusion or hurt. Though there is discord it is only because I allow there to be.

Why do I keep the light off? It gives me a sense of secrecy. It removes much of the thinking element when I am not able to see what I am playing. The darkness gives me courage to unwind and to unveil the parts of my soul that ought to be kept closed in other's company. In short, it's freedom to give license to my soul for any action it takes. And for one minute I'm at peace and the world is not so unmanageable.

But eventually the music ends and the lights come on and the bags are flung once again over my shoulder and I must return from my peace to reality.

Oh, it is on such days that I desperately long for heaven.