Life. It amazes me how so much can be packed into a single word. I say the word "life" and immediately a host of fireworks burst into my mind. These fireworks are memories: lessons learned, relationships, things I never want to forget, things I never want to remember, and the constant war that continues every day between what I do and what I ought.

I ought to wake up an hour early to read my bible, but I wait till sometime in the afternoon when I can "spare" 30 minutes or so.

I ought trust God completely and give all my worries and deepest desires to him, but I hold on to them and try to hide them, sometimes even from myself.

I ought to be selfless in my relationships with others, expecting nothing in return from the love and encouragement that God pours out through me, but I grow bitter when I feel neglected by those I have tired to be most sympathetic too.

I ought not to be so vain, but I am.


I ought to leave my hurt at the feet of Jesus, letting myself forgive and move on, but I don't.


And so I am trapped in a list of do's and don'ts and maybes, as if the more I color code, the more I get it right. Granted, I do not always feel like this. Each day I wake up and glaring back at me are my insufficiencies, so countless that I want nothing more than to crawl back in bed, or escape to my french town so that I don't have to be reminded of what a sinner I am.

Now, please don't think that I can't handle knowing how sinful I am. For the last three years, the Lord has taught me through failed relationships, intense heartache, depression, and a whole host of other modern-day demons. I realize how deep my need for a savior is. I have seen my weaknesses, and I have seen how empty life can be. I want nothing more than to lean on Christ completely.

And yet, this feeling of worthlessness wells up inside my soul the moment I put my two feet on the ground. The battle rages on and on throughout the day, never relenting till my soul, so weary from the long war it has been fighting, greedily hides in the sleep that comes so easily nowadays.

Some days are better, other days are worse, but still there is no end.

Now to change the tune


I really am doing wonderfully. Every day, I am reminded how wonderful and encouraging my friends are. On the days when I am able to read the word first thing in the morning, the rest of the day continues to be one blessing after another. I've been trying to tell people how blessed I am to be in their lives, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it comes across as insincere, but I do mean it so very much.

Every time I open the word of God, I learn something new and fascinating.

I'll conclude with the song that seems to be the anthem of my life at this moment:

This is my story, this is my song, praising my savior all the day long. This is my story this is my song, praising my savior all the day long.