“There’s a grief that can’t be spoken. There’s a pain goes on and on…”

What is this crazy thing called life that we stumble through? I’m sure I don’t understand it. What do you do when grief continues to shake you to your core? Or when you’re expected to focus on menial things, and continue each day as if it were the same as the next? You know that it isn’t. Something is very very different. You go about your day, completing your tasks, laughing with friends, working hard on school… And then there’s the five minutes spent on the floor of your room, and you can do nothing but let your heart come up to your throat and then pour out of your eyes.

And as you sit there, you can’t help but wonder… why? Not “why did it happen” but “why do I react this way?” Josh is probably now with the Lord, rejoicing, doing what he was created to do. And yet, in some unknown location, his lifeless body is cold, wet, and completely empty of life. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but honestly the thought absolutely sickens me. And then I’m frustrated at myself, because I know he’s with God. His body, though here on earth, is lifeless...josh-less. He isn’t in it. But then again isn’t he? Isn’t that Josh lying there? These questions confuse me, and send my heart fresh up into my throat again.
“We were not created to die.” 
Is this why death is grievous? Death is natural now. It’s even good because it’s the only way we can be with God. But it is a result of the fall, and as such we feel the pain of that fall every day. As I deal with the death of a dear friend, my heart nearly shatters for those who have lost a brother, a sister, a husband, a wife… a mother… a father. How were you so strong?

And then there’s this stupid battle that goes on in my head. The world tells me that this a cruel trick of fate. That a young man – so wonderful, and smart, and kind, and downright hilarious – has been stripped from of life before he even had a chance to really live. What a waste of talent some might say.

But then the voice of truth rises up from where it’s been hidden in my heart and reminds me, we were not created to die. But we are not made for this world. We are made to be forever joined to the body of Christ, worshipping our heavenly father. There is a pain and a sorrow that accompanies death, but there is also a level of rejoicing for those who now are with the Mighty God of Israel, who was and is and will be forevermore. And this somehow is enough to get me up on my feet again, head raised (figuratively) as if to look for Josh while at the same time searching for the face of Christ. I love what a friend of mine wrote on her blog. 
“We are dying to live, living to die like he did. We are bonding together, binding ourselves to one another, calling for authenticity. Our eyes, brimming, are wide open. We. have been awakened.”
I have been awakened. I pray that I might not waste the precious months, weeks, days, hours, or minutes that the Lord has blessed me with. Oh that my heart would be in ceaseless song, delighting in God’s creation and in my fellow brothers and sisters.

Josh, there were so many things we still needed to talk about, so many jokes you still needed to tell me, so many teasing pranks you needed to pull, so much love and life I wanted to share with you and all my friends. I remember when you would walk me out with Jeremy and Destiny and we would all sit out on the hood of my car and talk, sometimes for hours, about nothing and everything. I miss you. But I know I’ll see you soon. Don’t have too much fun. ;) :)

Sadness

Posted on

Monday, May 7, 2012

A Thought for the Day:

The last week has been (for lack of a less-dramatic, more sophisticated word) totes insane. ;) I feel like my heart has not beat at it's regular rhythm since last sunday due play-induced stress, assignments turned in late, immense joy from having my mother here, and the thrills of new discoveries.

My mind feels like it's careening ahead in several different directions while my body stumbles perilously behind in order to keep the pace. And yet, it's a beautiful terrifying kind of insanity. :) A kind that I've never quite experienced before. To be honest, I still haven't been able to slow down long enough to process it all.

So this morning, when I woke up at 7 without being prompted by any sort of alarm, I knew that I had to spend some time in prayer. After getting ready for school I made my way up to our little prayer chapel, and half-kneeled, half-collapsed onto the prayer benches.

Usually when I pray the words just sort of pour out of me, unfettered by any sort of filter. At first, I thought something was wrong when, as I sat on my knees in the dimly-lit room, no words came to mind. My prayer began, haltingly and unsure. I tried to really think about what I was saying before the mighty King, and not slip into any sort of habitual process of praying. About half way through, I made a discovery.

"Lord, I pray that I would love you so much, that nothing else would matter."


Then I stopped myself. What was I saying? How often had I said these words before, without every pausing to think of the natural implications. I amended my statement.

"Lord, I pray that I would love you so much that everything would matter."


Every action, every word, every thought. All of it should reflect that love. Regardless of any formal christianese way of doing things or looking at the world, the people that I come in contact with should mean an incredible deal to me. God is reflected in each one of his children, and so each one is of inherent value. Each moment in life should be counted as precious. To go through life caring about nothing would be a complete waste. In fact, to say that you care about nothing else but God, in the strictest sense, is not caring about him at all. To think! How easy it is to use God as an excuse to distance yourself from others, hiding behind the wall of "complete godly devotion."

This thought is very raw and undeveloped, but it was so fascinating to me that I thought I should share it.


Everything Matters

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Friday, March 30, 2012


First, I would just like to thank everyone who read my blog post and/or sent me encouragement. God really used the article to bless me in more ways than I would have guessed. I was especially surprised at the amount of guys (at least at my school) who were encouraged by the post.

I still have so much to elaborate on, but have decided to wait and let it sort itself out more in my mind and in my conversation with others.

One of my guy friends messaged me wishing to continue the conversation, which led to many questions.

Context

I love my school. I’m pretty sure there isn’t another school in the country that is as perfect for me as this one. This includes the people. I love them so incredibly much. As some friends put it recently (and I’m paraphrasing here), “if the world were coming down on us, I would fight back to back with you” (it sounded way cooler when they said it). I would run into any fire to save all of my friends here at Patrick Henry College, so deep is my affection for them. That being said…

I am so stinkin tired of the rumor mill, not just because of the rumors themselves but because of how they damage friendships and put an unhealthy pressure on emotions. This isn't specific to my college either. It's prevalent throughout most of what is recognized as the conservative christian community. Let me explain.

Charlie likes Claire, but isn’t really planning on doing anything about it because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship/likes another girl too/wants to keep his options open… take your pick. However, Claire finds out that Charlie likes her, and immediately thinks “Oh no! I need to completely back off so that he doesn’t get the wrong idea.” In the end, you have two frustrated people who have just lost a friendship. The exact same thing can happen in the opposite direction.

This gives undue weight to emotions, more so than necessary. Emotions are powerful, yes, but I believe that we shouldn’t trust them (they are God given, but that does not constitute a full dependency on them when wishing to know our own desires). It is perfectly natural for boys to like girls, and girls to like boys. What counts is what you do with those emotions.

At the risk of sounding preachy, or offering a concrete solution, I’ve found that in the event that a young girl finds out that one of her guy friends likes her, she should completely drop the friendship so as not to hurt his feelings and keep him “emotionally safe”…? By no means! I don’t mean to sound sarcastic. Girls definitely should not intentionally lead a guy on if there is no interest on her side. Then again if you’re flirting with someone when you find out he likes you, the bigger problem is that you were leading him on to begin with, not how much you need to scale back so as to not hurt him. That’s probably something a girl should think about in the first place.

So, back to Charlie and Claire. The ideal situation is that Claire would continue to treat Charlie as a godly brother in Christ, conscious of the information she has received, and careful in her actions, but still just as much as a friend. There are usually two things that will happen at this point. 1) If the guy is seriously interested, he’ll tell her and ask her out in which case she can say no politely, and they can take things from there. Or 2) the guy’s emotions will blow over (as is most often the case), and their friendship will continue as it was before, and perhaps be richer because of it.

So now the Questions:

I’ll be thinking about these over the next few weeks. Some thoughts I’ll share, others I won’t (I’m currently reading Perelandra, but if anyone has any other material that they found enlightening, I would love to read/listen/watch it).

In light of my last article, what are some practical things that girls can do to encourage men to pursue godly manliness? Maybe it isn’t a list, but more of a mindset?

What would young men say are the most fundament aspects of being a real man? How does that compare with what girls think?

I’ve recently been told that when a young woman likes a young man, she should encourage him in such a way so that he is confident in pursuing her (the idea of leading the man without him realizing that you are leading). How should this differ from the sisterly/godly encouragement that young men want to receive in order to push them towards manliness?

What do guys see as the main distinction between sisterly/godly encouragement and flirtation?

How do the answers to all these questions compare between guys and girls? Are there any differences in the answers so significant as to cause confusion between the sexes?

Dr. Esolen has spoken of a wasteland. While it’s great to talk about reclaiming it, what does that look like practically?

There are so many more questions that will arise, and I realize that these aren’t easy, one word answers. But I would really love to hear thoughts, not only from men, but also from young women.

If it isn’t already obvious, I don’t know the answers to these questions. I feel so inexperienced and ill-equipped to head up any sort of discussion on such matters. A lot of the things that I speak against, I am completely guilty of doing myself.

What I wish to emphasize here is that there is a curiosity that has arisen in me, that is mirrored by those around me. It is one that I have decided to pursue. Are there concrete answers to all of these questions? I don’t believe so. I am not seeking to unveil the mysteries of the opposite sex so as to understand them more (as fascinating a subject as that is). I simply wish to dialogue about the interaction between guys and girls, and how it has swung between extremes over the last few years. As in all things, I want to bring glory to God in all that I do. If this discussion does nothing but bring one man or woman closer to understanding his or her purpose as a child of God, I would count myself incredibly honored to be the tool God uses to communicate truth. 

Again, I feel so inadequate to facilitate such a conversation, but I realize that any truth that comes about from this is because God himself is at work in the hearts and minds and words of those who participate. Soli Deo Gloria.

Blessings,
Belle

“A day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-stricken day; and a succession of such days is fatal to human life.”

The Discussion Continued

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Wednesday, March 21, 2012


It would be silly of me to say that there are no words to describe all that I wish to communicate, and then proceed to do just that which I said I could not. Yet, it should be noted that the words I use to express my thoughts in this post are entirely insufficient in communicating all that I wish to.


A bit of context: I recently went to Alabama for an event called the Whatley Stew Cookin. It’s been held every year for the past 18 years of so. The Whatley family opens their home for a day and serves gallons upon gallons of stew and pounds of barbecue to at least a couple hundred people. Food never runs out. I was blessed with the opportunity to drive down with some amazing individuals and help set up the day before. The event itself was spectacular, and I had some (surprisingly) tasty hors d’oeuvres. ;)

The lessons I learned are innumerable, but I will try to extrapolate on one.

Being around godly men inspires a young woman to godliness. Here at college, I have the great privilege of knowing some of the most amazing young guys I have ever met. There are so many here who love the Lord with all their hearts and seek to pursue him in everything they do. They honor and respect women, and yet are still super fun to be around. That alone has been entirely refreshing. However, like the young ladies on campus, these young guys are still learning to be men.

In the same way that I have a countless amount of lessons to learn before I rid myself of some of the immaturities that hint of girlhood, most of the guys here have a long way to go before they will ever be more man than boy. I could go on for much longer about how important it is for girls to treat boys as men, with respect etc, but that is for another time. Some students, mostly in the junior and senior class, are much further along than us underclassmen.

In Alabama, for the first time I believe, I interacted with what I consider to be real men. Men of upstanding character, who honor women immensely, who work hard without complaining and without being prompted. I met men who were able to be strong, authoritative, and even forceful when interacting with other men or setting up things for the event. The next moment they were tenderly kissing their wives and playing with their children. Even back in Oregon, this kind of man is usually nowhere to be found. Let me make it clear that this kind of character does not depend on occupation. While it is easier to see the strong manliness of one who is employed in manual labor, I was able to see the same kind of character in lawyers, and even a senator who was at the Cookin.

Seeing this example of godliness was more than refreshing. It was inspiring. I finally was meeting men like my father (if you know me well at all, you will know that I honestly believe my father to be the most hard-working, wise, loving, honorable, strong, godly man in the world, and I have never met anyone like him…until this weekend). It was encouraging to know that I could set my standards on someone like that, knowing that men with such character really do exist.

I can already hear my critical guy friends (who I love ;) :)) saying all sorts of things about how girls should not set their standards outrageously high, because no young man will ever live up to the challenge, and both parties will be disappointed. Or perhaps, the problem is in how women will wait forever for a man like that, while never giving him any encouragement expecting him to do all of the initiating in any sort of relationship.

I have three things to say to this. 1) I absolutely believe girls should never lower their standards or settle for a man of less than upstanding character merely because there seems to be no such man. I have seen them. I know y’all exist out there somewhere. ;) Likewise, I think men should desire women of strong character. If both sexes set their standards in such a way, perhaps there would be more motivation on both ends to become that stronger people. 2) If a girl likes a young man, there is no reason she should hide in her room and lock the door, then wait for him to come bursting through (this I believe is the more conservative Christian approach). On the opposite end, I have seen far too many girls throw themselves at young men. There is a balance. I have no idea how to explain it, but what’s important is that I recognize it is there. 3) I don’t pretend to have all the answers, or even most of the answers. I am an infant in matters such as these. What I do have is the beginnings of a foundation for rethinking my views on men and relationships.

In a journalism article, you’re supposed to put the most relevant thing at the top, that way if people don’t read the entirety of your story, they will still get the important stuff. Unfortunately, I did not hold to that model in this post. What I am to conclude with is the most important thing I learned. I can only pray to God that my meaning and purpose is not lost behind the thick curtain of language and ill-phrased ideas.

For the first time, I realized what kind of man I wanted to be desirable to. All other examples faded away when I witnessed men of such godliness working hard to bring glory to God’s kingdom. 

 But then I realized I should not seek to become honorable so that I may be desirable to other godly men.

Rather, it is absolutely necessary that I become a godly woman so that I may be desirable to the only being in the world that matters. I should desire the fruit of the spirit because it is that kind of woman that God desires as his daughter.

God should not only be the means to achieving what I wish, but also the end. His opinion is the only one that truly matters. If I have pleased God, there is no other satisfaction that can ever compare, no reward so precious or so desirable, than that of serving God. Being around the kind of men that I have described, revealed to me a clearer image of God, and led me to realize just how important it is to place him at the forefront of every thought, ambition, and desire. So thank you so much.

Don’t think this doesn’t apply to young men as well, because I think the same could be said of them.

Thank you so much for listening to my rant. :)
Blessings,
Belle

In addendum: I’ve given this a lot of thought. My ideas are influenced by many serious circumstances that the Lord has placed in my life. Since this wasn’t a conversation, there are probably some things that seem questionable. Though I feel inadequate in sharing anything of great wisdom, if you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to email me at idinablueyes@gmail.com. 

These ideas were also based on a lecture given by Dr. Anthony Esolen. It was one of the best lectures I've heard, and I would encourage everyone to listen to it. 

You can view it here: The Person As Gift

Of Women and Men

Posted on

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Don't have a whole lot of time to post. But I wanted to share something that I've recently discovered. I had made a goal to spend an hour with the Lord every day.
Sadly, I missed tuesday.
Thankfully, the Lord is merciful and his mercies are new every morning.

So, here's what I've been doing.:
Using an online ESV bible concordance, I looked up all references of the world "satisfy." There were 20, so I recorded them on the back and front of an index card. Then, I proceeded to look up the references in my bible (after putting my computer away so it wouldn't distract), and reading them in context. Next, I recorded the verses onto the index card, giving a line to each verse. After I had completed my search, I tried to find the themes with all the verses to learn more about what it means to "satisfy." I recorded my thoughts on the front of an index card (in very tiny writing... I had a lot to say ;) :)) And then paper-clipped the cards together.
Time: 1 hour and 10 minutes. The best thing I did all day. :)

I've since done the words "Fullness" (which has 18 references) and "Understanding" according to Proverbs (31 references). I really am so excited about this new way of studying. I don't know if this would benefit anyone, but if there's something that you really want to know more about - joy, patience, covenant, endurance, purity - I would challenge you to search through the word. Not in the same way I did, but as deeply as you can. God will certainly reward his children when they seek his council.

Blessings to you all.


Bible Studies

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Thursday, March 8, 2012


How horrid it is to awake
At four am during spring break
The week’s just begun
But I think it’s fun
To get up right on time and not flake

On my dearest of friends who requires
Assistance with all she aspires.
Her plan to go flying
Includes me driving
But I do it, cause she, I admire.

A wonderful chat on the way
“I’ll miss you so much,” we both say,
A hug and a prayer
Then out of the air,
A wonderful start to my day.

An old country tune fills the air
As I, with tired eyes, only stare
At the road up ahead
While in my head
I’m filled with such wonder and care

For God up above who just listens,
As my sleep deprived eyes slightly glisten
Has given me strength
With such depth and such length,
A child of his, am I christened.

The hour’s too early to think
So after my praying I just blink
Away all my thoughts
And rub out my knotts
As I make it back with ne’er a chink.

Alas I have misplaced my key
But with shocking a-gil-it-y
A guard comes a-skipping
Surprising - the skipping -
But he lets me in, sans a plea.

So happy am I to be warm
And the sheets, they work just like a charm
At bringing me sleep
So my dreams they will keep
To the actual dawn of the morn.

Now four, plus some more, makes eleven
Each hour a blessing from heaven.
Now leaping awake
My arm almost breaks
By the way, the “some more” equals seven ;)

An afternoon spent with dear Charlotte
Deep conversations allotted
To time in the car
While once in the store
She just studies, while I give a sho-ot.

I’m afraid that my skills come up short
When rhymes I am trying to contort
So I can make sense
Before we commence
To the store so that meals, we assort.

And now I feel ever so silly
And the day grows more and more chilly
So now it is time
To collect all my dimes

And bid all of you fond farewell.  

P.S. We plan on watching Hugo, and the week is shaping up to be very lovely indeed. Also, I apologize for the quality of this poem. Limericks are especially hard for me to do. Plus, poetry is hard to write when I'm happy. It flows much more easily when I'm depressed. Here's an example of a better limerick in my opinion. :) 

Lizzy's Puppy

Monday's Limerick

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Monday, March 5, 2012


Rather than dramatize a ho-hum event, I've put it to poem. However, it is still quite dramatic. Take it as you will. :)

A quiet stillness fills her heart
As through the rain they drive,
The world around her swirling
Ever vibrant and alive

The words lay frozen in her soul,
Though seeking for release
Wishing for the open air
So all may be at peace.

The time’s not come and so must she,
With tight and baited breath
Move along and look not back,
And put all hope to death.

A journey out under the drops
That cool and ease her fears,
While she with ever fix-ed gaze,
Finds solace in her tears

A bag of groceries in each hand
She strolls without a word,
Not trusting speech or counsel
Now that all the lines are blurred

Between all that of which she knows -
All logic and all sense,
And all of that which she deserves -
No chance of recompense

A parting word, then out again
Into the dreary eve,
Not homeward bound, but moving on
Needing solace and reprieve

The mud and rain soak through her shoes
And yet, she’s not distraught
For though she freezes more and more
She’s lost within her thoughts

The weather all around reflects
The conflict in her soul
She wrestles with the elements
To clearly see her goal

Alas the rain proves far too thick
The wind too great to fight
So she must now with calm resolve
Forget about her plight

And try to find that peace of mind
That she longs ever for
While building up the fallen walls
And locking up the door

So as she enters home at last,
Soaked through, though safe and sound
Her heart is finally closed again
Quite hidden and quite bound

A shower quickly warms her bones,
And make-up hides her grief
While always does the Mighty Lord
Alone, bring her relief.

And sleep, which buries sorrow so
Creeps soft into her mind

The doors are locked, the walls quite strong
And now comes He to slip along
And fill her dreams with endless song
Her will to Him confined


A poem

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Sunday, March 4, 2012

The first thing I did when I entered the room was to turn off the lights. The darkness was welcome as I let myself slowly wilt leaving my bags and the other things at the door. My breath slightly shaky I walked uncertainly towards the direction of the source of any immediate comfort (aside from the Lord). Sitting down I took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and let my fingers gently rest on the cool keys. A slight application of pressure and a flow of notes came out.

I played the piano in the dark, and in those moments I allowed myself to reveal everything. My deepest desire surged as the music crescendoed sweetly and longingly. I let my mind wander aimlessly through the thoughts and emotions that I refuse to let loose in the company of others. All the passion that burns inside of me directly seeped out through the music. As my mind wandered I felt a heaviness in my heart. My throat caught slightly, as my sight threatened to be impaired with tears. But just as soon as the feeling came upon me, it left again. It was as if I was literally crying through the music, rejoicing through the melodies, and calling out with longing in the subtle harmonies.

This may seem dramatic, and to speak truth, I recognize it as such. But there are so many words, thoughts, and actions left unsaid unthought or undone that music seems like the natural venue for such communication. With music I have the opportunity to resolve anything and everything I choose. I can control how the song sounds and I can guide the song in any way I choose. I don't need to exercise patience. If I want to include a note I can add it right then and there. There is no confusion or hurt. Though there is discord it is only because I allow there to be.

Why do I keep the light off? It gives me a sense of secrecy. It removes much of the thinking element when I am not able to see what I am playing. The darkness gives me courage to unwind and to unveil the parts of my soul that ought to be kept closed in other's company. In short, it's freedom to give license to my soul for any action it takes. And for one minute I'm at peace and the world is not so unmanageable.

But eventually the music ends and the lights come on and the bags are flung once again over my shoulder and I must return from my peace to reality.

Oh, it is on such days that I desperately long for heaven.

A Flair For The Dramatic

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012