What a day this has been, what a rare mood I'm in. Spending an evening in deep conversation with a dear friend will do that to a person.

Oh how full my mind is. A good kind of full, and yet, a full kind of full. I think you know what I mean. Just because your brain is filled with good things, doesn't mean that your brain has the ability to deal with all of those things. I would take the time to put it all into a list, but frankly, I don't want to. I am content to let life be full, un-listed, and un-color coordinated.

Two things that have been on my heart the past week (I am sure they have been on my heart before, but I only just decided to voice them). I want to make a difference. I do believe those are the most cliche words out there when it comes to actions. And yet, I long for this. I don't want the glory of doing something, I don't want praise or attention. I just desperately want to bring glory to God. I want to have something to lay at his feet. Not in such a way as "look what I have done, now you can have it." But rather, "Oh Lord, how you have blessed me with this. My sole desire is to give it all back to you."

I want to help children in need. I want to minister to girls who haven't heard the word, who come from abusive homes, or have been rescued from sex/slave trafficking. If God asked me to leave everything I had to go serve on the mission field for Him, I would do it whole heartedly. willingly. joyously.

And yet, this is not what he is asking. He's asking me to be fully here. I feel so full of love for my sisters. Overwhelming to the brim with love. That's what I'm called to do right now. This actually brings me a vast amount of peace and happiness. :)

The second thing is this. I want so desperately to be elegant, and sophisticated. Among so many other things of course. :) For a while I thought about giving up the bubbly spirit that has always been a part of me in exchange for a quiet spirit. I've always thought that one can either be talkative vivacious person with a quiet, humble soulIn my mind, I find it difficult to reconcile these two. And yet, I can't lose my joy. It's so much a part of me that I can't suppress it, and trust me, I've tried. And failed. :)

In the words of a wonderful guy whose name starts with an A and ends with aron K. ;) "a quiet soul does not mean a quiet mouth."

I had fully intended on going on to post something deep, reflective, and very not self-focused. There's so much more I wish to share. But, my lovely roommates and I got into a deep discussion of all manner of things, and so I left my post, and returned feeling very uninspired.

In fairytales, there's always a neat tidy ending. This is not a fairytale. This is my reality. :)

One thing that I will never never never ever get tired of: an old book. The smell. The feel. If ever something was created to be lovely, it was an old book. :)

Prayer Request: Still very very sick. Running in the rain, the freezing weather, and stress hasn't helped much. Haven't gone to the doctors yet, but if it persists for another week, then I'll go. Prayer much appreciated. <3

This evening I shall relate the events of the crazy day that the Lord has blessed me with.

JOY

How the Lord has blessed me with joy today. And to top that off, I finally have peace. Whether that changes to tired...ness is yet to be determined ;) :) (I wish there was a more lovely way to say that, weariness and exhaustion are too dramatic ;) :))

On another note, what a lovely clean it was. And the tea is absolutely delightful. Love you gracy! <3

"There is a time for work, and a time for love. That leaves no other time." -Coco Chanel 

Even now as I sit enveloped pillows and cushions, my head barely visible yet still slightly protruding out from the large couch, I wonder why in the world I am writing this post. Then as I sit here typing away I realize that this is my creative outlet, and I am comforted.

You see, so often I view other people's blogs (::cough:: noelle's ::cough::), and I think to myself, "I wish I had such important deep things to say." True, on occasion the Lord may bless me with something truly deep and introspective, but I never have the time to write it down. Which then leaves me wonder, what is the point of even keeping this blog. The answer? In a world where papers, books, and intellectual progress rule, my poor creative side often gets stifled. I rarely get time to write songs. Even when I do, rather than let the music slowly form beneath my fingers, as I let the it work through me and press away my aches, it seems to come crashing out all at once. Indeed, it has no other choice, for no sooner have I sat down to the piano, but then I have to get up. This constant suppression of creativeness can become overwhelming sometimes. And that is why I have this. I may rarely say something profound, or of any interest. Sometimes I'm not even personal. But it's an outlet all the same.

Pain


There are few things more complicated than love. Pain is certainly one of them. There are all sorts of pain -sometimes it's good, other times not so much. Tonight, I am going to talk about physical pain. After an absolutely glorious discussion at our church's bible study, I arrived back on campus at 10, fully intending on devoting the next two hours to all the editing my heart could stand. However, no sooner had my feet alighted on the stairs leading to my dorm, when suddenly and intense and acute pain swept through my body and landed comfortable in my stomach. To my dismay I discovered that focusing on anything would be of no avail. The only option: I simply had to walk it off.

Circling around the ferris wheel again and again, I let the cool night air sweep over and through me. I took deep breaths, tried to clear my mind, and still the steady piercing pain persisted. I cried out to the Lord, I prayed with all my heart. Not for physical relief, but for everything that my life had been. I brought it all to him: my hopes, my fears, my failures, my desires, my triumphs. And as I walked, my breathing became calmer, my steps became slower, and finally a peace settled through me and my mind went blank.

If you know me at all, you will realize that being able to walk without making some sort of list, or devising some scheme to do more work is a huge feat in itself. And yet it did not come with the glory or honor one usually receives after killing a beast. Rather a lovely quiet settled over my entire person.


It wasn't until 11 that the pain left my stomach (the little monster had worked its way into my head, but at least I could send my little creatures ad and vil to go kick the thing out).

My computer crashed. I thought about saying that in some very creative and hopefully elegant way, but an event such as this deserves no flowery prose to make it any less plain and frustrating than it is. Yet still God gave me that beautiful peace. Thankfully my story has a happy ending. I was able to finish my paper, and a significant amount of reading and all before 2am! :)

Prayer


It's the word on everyone's lips here at PHC. "How can I pray for you?" is echoed across the halls. I have found myself reveling in the weekly prayer meetings, and sunday worship nights. Praying for others has intensified my love for them. But tonight, I was struck by something.

"Belle, how can I pray for you?"

This was the first time someone (besides Betsy, but she doesn't count ;) :)) had said those words and seemed genuinely interested in my prayer request. I quickly prepared a bullet list in my mind of things I needed prayer for. We sat down on the couch, and then it happened.

From my soul flowed longings I hadn't even fully recognized. Fulfillment. Joy. Peace. "I couldn't be happier if I could just spend an entire day in God's word." Doubt. Fear. Overwhelming. All these words and thoughts flowed out of me, and all she had asked was how she could pray for me. Does this mean I've been holding all of this in? I certainly don't think so. But I felt so touched by how much she cared. I didn't feel like an agenda. I didn't feel like a bullet point on a list. "Remember to pray for Belle." This was something much sweeter. A friend who wanted to hear how she could most help me. Prepared to return the favor, I asked her what she needed prayer for. She smiled and quickly brushed off the comment as if to say, "No, right now is about encouraging you." This act of self-less love encouraged me to no end. Granted, she's my roommate, so I'm sure I'll be able to return the favor very soon. :)

Passion - in which you view my mind.


Sigh. Love. Hurt. Joy. Prayer. Lemonade. Friends. Work. Lists. Dancing. Thinking. meditating. looking forward to sunday. very much looking forward to sunday. elegance. softer voice. don't talk so much. be a lady. don't let things keep you up at night. more pain. more hurt. more love. more joy.

It's calming....

It rained so hard today. Winter is already upon us. Funny thing about rain. If you took one rainy day out of the year, you wouldn't really be able to tell if it signaled summer and warmth and life, or winter.

Slamming the car door behind me, I didn't wait to hear whether my friend was wishing me goodbye, or simply driving away. Though out in the rain for only a moment, the tiny bullets were already flying at my face, as the wind whipped at the edge of my coat. As I ran I pulled my coat tightly around me but to no avail. The wind mercilessly knocked me about till I half ran half stumbled into the warmth of the little Coffee shop. I took a breath to collect myself, and try to fix the curly, frazzled mess that was my hair. I quickly made my way up to the counter and ordered a new favorite of mine, a hazelnut chai tea.

After my order had been made, and pleasantries had been exchanged with the barista, I managed to find my way to a snug corner, complete with comfy couch and lots of pillows. I arranged the lecture I was about to read neatly on my lap, and snuggled back into the pillows, trying to hide in as much warmth as I could. Before I had even read the first sentence, the barista came over and handed me the small cup of happiness.

It was then determined that the greater necessity at that very moment was inspecting the contents of the cup to make sure they were satisfactory, my lecture could wait another minute. As I lifted the top I nearly died (pardon the drama ;) :)). There was the most beautiful layer of foam I had ever seen. Lifting the cup to my lips, I was delighted to find its contents twice as delicious as it smelled and looked. The warmth found its way straight to my soul where it stayed, happily, for quite some time.

Now, completely content, I put in my headphones and let the soft sounds of celtic music block out the quiet murmurings and mutterings of the other customers. Immersed in warmth and happiness I set about reading my lecture. I do believe all reading should be done in such a fashion.

This is a dare I made to myself.

I watched as the two men hurled arguments at each other. One man was cool, calm, and deliberate, yet his words pierced the soul and the mind like little arrows or truth and logic, unable to be overturned. The other man, much larger, fought back with an arrogant insolence that made the whole crowd  hope for the smaller man to win out. And here I was, nodding at Socrates's logic, and frowning at his opponents arrogance.

I lifted my head out of my book, and settled back in my chair, content to let my mind rest for a moment. As I snuggled under my massive quilt I took in the beauty around me. I was sitting at a small round, light yellow writing table that was comfortably situated in the corner between two large windows that looked out onto the glorious lake Bob. :) The lake and the meadows beyond it were covered in a hazy mist as the rain gently clung to the earth in a sweet embrace 

The table itself was lovely enough to look at. It was covered in newspaper writing, as if someone had taken a newspaper, ink still wet, and let it dry to the table, leaving a perfectly mirrored image. My chair was directly beside one of the two large windows, giving me full viewing access to the buildings on my right, as well as the sidewalk that sloped gently under my feet, to Town Hall (the basement level). I sighed heavily and leaned my warm, slightly feverish, head against the cool window pane and closed my eyes. The rain beat gently against the window. tap. tap. tap. I could stay in this moment of peace and tranquility forever.

But then I would not be living. For at that moment two dear friends came and dragged me out of my quiet moment into the pleasantries and silly pleasures of being female, namely picking an outfit.

I look forward to many more of these moments as I rest in my own little corner.

An armful of warm clean towels...

Yummy.