Even now as I sit enveloped pillows and cushions, my head barely visible yet still slightly protruding out from the large couch, I wonder why in the world I am writing this post. Then as I sit here typing away I realize that this is my creative outlet, and I am comforted.

You see, so often I view other people's blogs (::cough:: noelle's ::cough::), and I think to myself, "I wish I had such important deep things to say." True, on occasion the Lord may bless me with something truly deep and introspective, but I never have the time to write it down. Which then leaves me wonder, what is the point of even keeping this blog. The answer? In a world where papers, books, and intellectual progress rule, my poor creative side often gets stifled. I rarely get time to write songs. Even when I do, rather than let the music slowly form beneath my fingers, as I let the it work through me and press away my aches, it seems to come crashing out all at once. Indeed, it has no other choice, for no sooner have I sat down to the piano, but then I have to get up. This constant suppression of creativeness can become overwhelming sometimes. And that is why I have this. I may rarely say something profound, or of any interest. Sometimes I'm not even personal. But it's an outlet all the same.

Pain


There are few things more complicated than love. Pain is certainly one of them. There are all sorts of pain -sometimes it's good, other times not so much. Tonight, I am going to talk about physical pain. After an absolutely glorious discussion at our church's bible study, I arrived back on campus at 10, fully intending on devoting the next two hours to all the editing my heart could stand. However, no sooner had my feet alighted on the stairs leading to my dorm, when suddenly and intense and acute pain swept through my body and landed comfortable in my stomach. To my dismay I discovered that focusing on anything would be of no avail. The only option: I simply had to walk it off.

Circling around the ferris wheel again and again, I let the cool night air sweep over and through me. I took deep breaths, tried to clear my mind, and still the steady piercing pain persisted. I cried out to the Lord, I prayed with all my heart. Not for physical relief, but for everything that my life had been. I brought it all to him: my hopes, my fears, my failures, my desires, my triumphs. And as I walked, my breathing became calmer, my steps became slower, and finally a peace settled through me and my mind went blank.

If you know me at all, you will realize that being able to walk without making some sort of list, or devising some scheme to do more work is a huge feat in itself. And yet it did not come with the glory or honor one usually receives after killing a beast. Rather a lovely quiet settled over my entire person.


It wasn't until 11 that the pain left my stomach (the little monster had worked its way into my head, but at least I could send my little creatures ad and vil to go kick the thing out).

My computer crashed. I thought about saying that in some very creative and hopefully elegant way, but an event such as this deserves no flowery prose to make it any less plain and frustrating than it is. Yet still God gave me that beautiful peace. Thankfully my story has a happy ending. I was able to finish my paper, and a significant amount of reading and all before 2am! :)

Prayer


It's the word on everyone's lips here at PHC. "How can I pray for you?" is echoed across the halls. I have found myself reveling in the weekly prayer meetings, and sunday worship nights. Praying for others has intensified my love for them. But tonight, I was struck by something.

"Belle, how can I pray for you?"

This was the first time someone (besides Betsy, but she doesn't count ;) :)) had said those words and seemed genuinely interested in my prayer request. I quickly prepared a bullet list in my mind of things I needed prayer for. We sat down on the couch, and then it happened.

From my soul flowed longings I hadn't even fully recognized. Fulfillment. Joy. Peace. "I couldn't be happier if I could just spend an entire day in God's word." Doubt. Fear. Overwhelming. All these words and thoughts flowed out of me, and all she had asked was how she could pray for me. Does this mean I've been holding all of this in? I certainly don't think so. But I felt so touched by how much she cared. I didn't feel like an agenda. I didn't feel like a bullet point on a list. "Remember to pray for Belle." This was something much sweeter. A friend who wanted to hear how she could most help me. Prepared to return the favor, I asked her what she needed prayer for. She smiled and quickly brushed off the comment as if to say, "No, right now is about encouraging you." This act of self-less love encouraged me to no end. Granted, she's my roommate, so I'm sure I'll be able to return the favor very soon. :)

Passion - in which you view my mind.


Sigh. Love. Hurt. Joy. Prayer. Lemonade. Friends. Work. Lists. Dancing. Thinking. meditating. looking forward to sunday. very much looking forward to sunday. elegance. softer voice. don't talk so much. be a lady. don't let things keep you up at night. more pain. more hurt. more love. more joy.

It's calming....

It rained so hard today. Winter is already upon us. Funny thing about rain. If you took one rainy day out of the year, you wouldn't really be able to tell if it signaled summer and warmth and life, or winter.