Why do I do what I do? Why do I wake up every morning? Is it because I have to? Would I wake up early every morning if I didn't have to? Why do I commit myself to my learning to the degree that I do? How much of my studying is inspired by wanting to "get the grade"? How much do I work merely for the sake of learning and absorbing? Do I wake up every morning with the Lord first and foremost on my mind, or rather, do I roll out of bed and worry about whether I'll be able to get everything I can done?

These questions have been plaguing me as of late. Now that I am (essentially) on my own I decide what time to get up, when I should eat, if I should eat (which I do :P), how much I should study, etc. Up until now I have always done these things because my parents told me to, but now that they aren't here what is it that motivates me to live as responsibly as I can, all in the Lord's strength of course. I would like to think that I do these things to bring glory and honor to Christ, but it feels more like I'm merely doing them because "I should." This morning as I lay in bed I thought to myself, "What if I just slept till 7:30 instead of getting up at 6:45?" That was started me thinking about why I do what I do. Ultimately, I want the answer to be because of Christ.

I know this has a tendency to get cliche, but it really is so true. I'm sure it wouldn't sound so cliche if I could fine a better way to describe it.

I've also been thinking a lot of fear; everything from menial to serious. How can we find the balance between a fear that keeps us wary, and a fear that completely cripples our interactions with others? Then again, what have we to fear if the Lord is always with us. I've found, especially lately, trust has been an issue. I find myself second guessing innocent motives; a practice I have never before done in my life.

After talking to a dear friend of mine I was encouraged to bring all my fears to the Lord. However, as life has shown me, just because you pray at night and say "Lord, I lay my fears and my failures at your feet," doesn't mean they go away. In fact, in some cases they get worse. However (for me) it's a way to recognize your complete and utter dependance on the Lord. There have been times where I've been in the middle of temptation and I have sobbed uncontrollably on my knees, begging the Lord for strength to resist, only to fall the very next day. For such a long time I was driven completely by despair, however, this nameless dear friend, has helped me to see, that God uses our failings and our weakness to bring glory to Him, in the same way he uses our triumphs.

So those are some of the things I've been dealing with. I apologize for how very ineloquent I am in the articulation of them.

Quick Summary:
- Saturday: Was a blast. I read all day long. Then saturday evening Hannah and I went grocery shopping, went to a friends birthday, and then watched the first two episodes of North & South, for British night.
- Sunday: I went to church with Betsy, Hannah, Courtney, and about 6 other guys. The service was so moving. This was when I really started struggling with condemnation, failure, and fear. But the Lord's mercies are new every day and he is helping me work through it.
- Today went well. I was a bit exhausted from the week, but the Lord gave me the strength I needed. I've finished most of the week's reading ahead of time, so I hope to get a head start on some essays tomorrow.

Other than that all I can say is that God gives me just the amount of energy I need to get through each day. How could I ever ask for more.

He is enough. He is more than enough.

Soli Deo Gloria :)

*P.S. Pardon the grammatical and spelling errors.